


I Need You Like Water

by toastweasel



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, Slow Burn, Universe Alteration, erin and abby never fell out and work together in a lab at NYU, holtz is a graduate student, long distance, not just about whitewater rafting anymore, patty also works at nyu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-08-18 21:11:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 36,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8176198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toastweasel/pseuds/toastweasel
Summary: Is white water rafting really so bad when you fall in love with your guide? This is the story of how Dr. Erin Gilbert falls in love with a certain adorable mechanical engineering graduate student who's got killer arms, an enchanting smile, and a Ph.D. in the works. Slowburn Holtzbert, so, naturally, we aren't just writing about white water rafting.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic totally started off being based on when I worked at Fallingwater, but it transformed into so, so much more. I'm not really sorry at all. 
> 
> If you didn't read the tags, here's the rub. This is a Universe Alternation. Holtzmann is still a graduate student for reasons you'll find out. Abby and Erin never had their falling out but decided to focus on particle physics and astronomy things with paranormal stuff on the side because they saw the writing on the wall that maybe they'd like to eat at some point in their futures. They teach at NYU, as does Patty.  
> The Youghiogheny River is pronounced "Yok-i-gay-ney". A lot of people who live in Ohiopyle/Mill Run just call it The Yough ("the Yok").
> 
> Enjoy, folks :)

As Dr. Erin Gilbert stood beside an inflatable rubber raft holding a stiff plastic paddle and wearing an uncomfortable blue and yellow life vest, she was not seized with the notion that white water rafting was a good idea.

A year ago Abby had suggested, in a fit of restlessness from their current university research project, they go on a road trip.  Take a break from work over the summer, borrow a car from Abby’s family, and road trip the East Coast like they were 18 again. With a little planning, Erin had agreed and until that morning the trip had been going fantastically.

After the first semester of summer break, when both ladies were forced to teach undergraduate Physics, the two women had packed their bags and gotten on the train to Massachusetts to visit Abby’s extended family. Then they had borrowed Abby’s aunt’s car and slowly worked their way southward.

Patty had met them in Pittsburgh. Despite being from two completely disciplines, the architectural historian got along with the physicists like a house on fire, ever since they had met at a faculty mixer several years ago. When Patty had heard their road trip would include Pennsylvania, she had wanted in; specifically, she wanted to go to Fallingwater. Abby and Erin had welcomed both the change in pace and subject matter.

As they sat in the café after their early morning tour, Abby had suggested that they spice things up even more and go white water rafting. Patty had been game as long as it “was not any of that intense Olympic shit”. Erin had not been so sure, but with cajoling from the other two she had been convinced.

Now it was eleven o’clock in the morning, she was standing with a bevy of strangers by rafts next to a roaring river, and Erin was definitely not so sure about her life and her choices. Abby’s family from Concord? Fine. They had been friendly and welcoming. The 90 minute tour at Fallingwater? No problem. The morning had been quiet and misty, the waterfall a distance noise, and the tour guide excellent.

White water rafting, now that she could hear river roaring over a dam behind them? Not so much. It did not help that their group of tour guides looked to be an assembled group of varied ruffians that had materialized from the surrounding mountains. Scraggly beards, long frizzy hair, and bandanas were prevalent. The lead tour guide, a thin woman with blonde hair held up by a ‘kercheif Rosie style, was saying something about respecting the river and it would respect you.

Erin doubted that was true. Water running over rocks under the force of gravity did not care if it bashed you against the rocks like it bashed itself. It just bashed.  

Erin looked over at Patty and Abby; Patty looked excited, and Abby only a little bit nervous. Besides the three of them, there were four other rafts with four people apiece. Erin was happy to see there were some nervous faces there as well; she was glad not to be alone in her trepidation.

The tour guides split up to take control of their respective boats. As luck would have it, the lead tour guide came their way.

“Hiya folks,” she said, greeting them cheerfully. Erin noticed she had a nice smile and seemed naturally good natured. “My name is Holtzmann, but you can call me Holtz if you need something to shout quick like. Since there’s only three of you, I’ve been assigned to be your captain on this little river adventure. Are you guys ready to go rafting?!”

The three ladies murmured their greetings.

“Aw, c’mon, ya’ll can do better than. I _said_ are you all ready to go rafting?”

The three woman, Erin included, gave a louder noise of assent. Holtzmann sighed. “That’ll have to do, I guess. Real quick before we head down, introduce yourselves. Do you know each other?” When it became clear that they all did, Holtzmann’s grin was electric. “That’s great! It’s always hard getting a group of strangers to work together in synch. Have any of you done this before?”

Three heads shook no.

“Alrighty, then. We’ll be the last one to carry down, so real quick I’ll give you guys my shpeil.” Holtzmann leaned on her paddle, totally at ease. “We’re going to be heading into some real easy rapids—the most we’ve got out there is Class 3, and since the water isn’t real high they won’t be bad at all. Little splashing, some noise, should be a breeze. I highly recommend sunscreen,” she added, glancing in Erin and Abby’s direction specifically, “because we’re gonna be under direct sunlight most of the day. Also A+ job on putting your hair up. It’s gonna get hot and wet out there, and not in the fun way.”

She winked salaciously, and Erin flushed. Their guide noticed and grinned, but didn’t comment to her relief. Instead, Holtzmann asked, “Do you guys have any questions?”

“Yeah, I have one,” Patty said. “What is the likelihood that we end up in the water?”

“Oh, there is always the chance. With me as your guide? Less of a chance, but still a chance.” Holtzmann shrugged. “Keep those life jackets on, especially if you can’t swim, and don’t take off your helmets for any reason.”

Erin was suddenly fervently glad for the time she had spent paddling around in the community pool as a child back in Michigan.

“--if you do go in. One of the guides will throw you a tow rope and get you back to safety. We don’t look it, but we are all required to have first aid and CPR certifications to be out on the water. We’ve got your backs.”

Erin felt marginally more relieved.

As Holtzmann had been talking, the other groups had grabbed their rafts, walked down to the water, clambered in and shoved off. Now it was their turn. Holtz started giving instructions. “Everyone grab a handle and lift. We’ll get her to the water’s edge, climb in, and we’ll be off! Ready? Okay, lift.”

The raft was heavy, but the four of them managed to get it the hundred or so yards from the staging area to the water’s edge. They got it settled in the water, and Holtz told them to climb in. They all did so, rather ungainly. Abby and Patty took up positions in the front while Erin ended up sitting next to their guide in the rear.  Erin wobbled a good deal getting in before she took up her seat on the edge of the boat; she grasped her paddle, heart racing.

Holtzmann pushed them the rest of the way in before hauling herself in. “Alright, here we go! Grab the paddle at the top with one hand, the stem on the other. Try to use your shoulders, not your arms, to pull and stroke.” Then, the guide used her paddle to push them into the river proper.

The current took them down the middle of the river.  It was a lot calmer than Erin had expected. In front of them, the other four boats floated at varying intervals ahead of them. “Alright guys, we’re gonna do some practice paddling to catch up to the first point. Patty, Abby, you guys are the main muscle. Erin and I will be muscle if need be, but we’re mostly steerage. No matter what, everyone gets their upper body workout for today! Alright, let’s paddle!”

Paddle they did; since they were going with the current it was less of a chore, but Erin could tell she would be sore the next day.

“This isn’t so bad,” Erin heard Abby comment to Patty.

“We haven’t even hit rapids yet.”

The first two sets of rapids were easy—they were slightly more than ripples in the water. Patty, Abby, and Erin grew more confident and they stroked lazily down the river when it was calm, enjoying the scenery. Holtz provided them with a running commentary on the scenery.

“This gorge is the deepest in Pennsylvania; the rocks are mostly clastic sedimentary rocks—so stuff like sandstone and shale. The trees you are seeing are mostly deciduous—mostly sugar maples and beeches.” Holtz paused in her tour guide spiel. “Where are you guys staying? In Ohiopyle?”

Erin shook her head. “Monroeville.”

“Oh, ouch. Today your only day?”

“Yes.”

“That’s unfortunate, there’s a bunch of stuff to do here. If you guys aren’t dead dog tired after this, I suggest going on a hike in Yough Park or going over to see Cucumber Falls. It’s definitely worth it—oh, whoops, we’re coming up on the next set. See that rock up ahead? Let’s not hit that.”

After they went through the rapids, which were much more intense than the first two, Holtzmann proudly told them they had gone through their first Class 2 rapid.

The next hour or so was much of the same—Erin found herself accidently forgetting to paddle because she was too busy listening to Holtzmann talk, or watching Holtz correct their course with a few simple strokes. The river guide’s arms were toned and tanned from many afternoons on the river. Erin paid so little attention that when they went through the next set of rapids, she forgot to brace herself. They went over a rock in the water which caused the boat to jerk unexpectedly. Erin felt herself go momentarily airborne—she would have tumbled over the side of the raft had it not been for Holtz’s quick reflexes. The guide grabbed the back of her life jacket and kept her from going over.

“Careful,” was all Holtz said when she let go. Erin gripped her paddle and tried not to flush crimson.

The quiet parts of the river were Erin’s favorite—mostly because Holtzmann talked. A lot of it was tour guide stuff, but she threw in quips about certain types of rocks and bushes that Erin just knew were not part of the script. Eventually, conversation turned to the work of the three professors in the boat.

“So where are you all from?”

“New York.”

“Like, the city or the state?”

“The city,” Patty said proudly.

Holtzmann bobbed her head. “That’s cool. What do you all do?”

Abby gestured at them all with her free hand. “We all teach at NYU.”

“NYU, huh? That’s cool. What do you teach?”

“Erin mostly teaches the senior and grad classes in particle physics, don’t you, Er?” Abby replied. “I generally get stuck with undergrad physics, Calc and algebra based, and Patty—Patty, exactly what do you teach?”

“All kinds of shit. I usually teach an undergrad class on Race in Colonial New York, but last semester I led a pretty baller set of seminars on the History of Architecture and Race in the city.”

Holtz grinned. “That sounds like a riot.” The guide paused in talking to steer them in a certain direction. “You guys came down here for break, then? That’s interesting. College profs aren’t usually the type of people on our tours.”

“Who are the ‘type’ of people on your tours?” Abby challenged.

Holtz grinned. “College kids, parents with kids, and a lot of grad students like myself looking to get away from their damn comps work.”

All four of them laughed.

“What are you studying?” Patty asked, catching, as Erin had done, that Holtzmann had referred to herself as a grad student.

“Nuclear engineering, with a focus in applied particle physics.” Holtz winked at Erin. “We’ll have something to talk about at lunch.”

Abby and Patty hooted gleefully as said particle physicist flushed, and not because of her sunburn. Holtzmann, to Erin’s great relief, did not push the flirting further. As the sun crested high above them—Holtz’s digital watch said it was nearly two, as did Erin’s stomach—all of the rafts on the river paddled over to sandy part on a quiet part of the river. The beached there at the bank and everyone clambered out; it was a nice little river beach that got rockier as it went back. There were boulders to sit on and shade from trees jutting out of the cliff.

The guides got out two coolers and passed out wraps in tin foil and little pouches of juice that looked suspiciously like Capri-Sun. Many of the rafters took the opportunity to take off their life jackets, helmets, wet shoes.

Erin left Abby and Patty to their own devices; she needed some time to herself after several days with them. Lunch here on the river provided the perfect opportunity. She took her lunch and climbed onto a boulder by the water, away from the greater gathering of rafters. The rock was warm from the sun; Erin happily took off her shoes and set them aside, letting her feet dangle over the edge. Her sandals steamed gently as she removed the tin foil from her wrap—it was chicken Caesar and slightly squished, but beyond that actually did look edible. The combination of the early breakfast at the hotel and the hard work on the water made Erin’s stomach growled in anticipation of the meal.

“We just spent two-ish hours out there under the sun and the first thing you do is go sit on a warm rock. You are full of surprises.” Holtz’s voice from below startled Erin from taking her first bite. Erin looked down at her; Holtzmann had taken off her life jacket and yellow company shirt, revealing a black bikini top and an amazing set of shoulders and arm muscles. Erin was hard pressed not to stare. “Can I join you up there? It’s no fun to eat alone.”

“...Sure.”

Like some sort of river monkey Holtz clambered up onto the rock without having to set down her wrap or drink. She settled down next to the physicist at a comfortable—but not alienating—distance. “Fun fact: this is my favorite rock on the entire Yough.”

“Is it really?”

“Mmmyup.” Holtz popped the ‘p’, but Erin barely noticed. She had caught sight of Holtzmann’s abs, which before had been hidden before under her shirt. Now that Holtz was only wearing her bikini top and shorts, they were definitely noticeable. While not super defined, were clearly visible there as Holtz adjusted herself and her food on the rock. The way they flexed and disappeared under the waistband of the river guide’s orange board shorts was almost too much for Erin.

“You gonna eat there? We’ve only got another forty five minutes before we gotta keep going.”

“Oh! Yeah, sorry, just. Thinking, that’s all.” Erin laughed nervously and started to eat her lunch. Holtz unwrapped the wrap she had brought over and bit into it. The river guide ate voraciously and messily, almost like a teenager. She was done with her wrap long before Erin was done with her own.

Holtz swung a foot over the edge of the boulder as Erin ate, lounging back and sipping her Capri-Sun. Only after Erin had finished her food did she ask, “So. Particle Physics, huh?”

“What? Oh, yes. I’m a particle physicist.”

“What got you into that?”

Erin paused to consider. “I like the numbers. Everything makes sense and fits nicely. There is no way to twist them; it’s either right or wrong. It works or it doesn’t.”

Holtzmann inclined her head. “I can see that. I just like knowing about how the Universe works and harnessing that energy to make things.”

The physicist looked sideways at the grad student. “What is your research in?”

“Weelll…. the TL;DR unscience-y version is that I’m researching how to create compacted nuclear power generators in a small enough fashion that I can implement them into handheld energy weapons to replace projectile weapons…”  Holtz paused, seeing the gears working in Erin’s brain as she thought about how that might be possible. “Since you’re a scientist and will actually understand what I’m saying, you wanna hear the long version?”

Erin felt herself smiling. “Sure.”

-/-

Two hours later, the river rafting expedition was over. It had not been that awful, Erin thought, especially with Holtzmann as their guide. They pulled their rafts out of the water and the entire crowd of rafters, weary with exhaustion, piled into an old school bus while the guides put the rafts onto the pull behind.

Abby squeezed into a seat next to Erin, trapping her against the window. “So, are you going to or do I have to?”

Erin’s heart was suddenly in her throat. Had Abby noticed that she was crushing on their attractive raft guide? “W-What?”

“Do you want to give her your card or mine?”

Erin’s heart descended back to its proper location in her anatomy.  “O-Oh. You want to hire her?”

“With a brain like that? As soon as she gets her Ph.D. we have to snatch her up before someone else does.”

“Baby, what exactly is going on in that head of yours?” Patty asked from in front of her.

“You’ll see. I’m not counting my chickens before they hatch. So, Er, your card or mine?”

“I’ll give her mine,” Erin said quickly. She wanted to talk to Holtzmann alone anyway.

Patty and Abby exchanged eyebrow traffic at the physicist’s quick response but it was lost on Erin. The ride back to the starting point was uneventful. As they got out, people milled around, finding their friends, tipping their guides, and heading inside to get their things. Erin darted to get her purse, then went back to find Holtzmann.

Holtz was by the bus, lifting the rafts down from their stack on the pull behind so they could be stored properly. She stopped when she saw Erin and waved the guide helping her away.

“I wanted to give you this,” Erin said, handing over a twenty dollar bill.

The guide’s eyes went wide at the bill, but she took it and carefully stuffed it into her bikini top. “Thanks. You guys were great rafters. You gonna come back and take it up a class?”

Erin thought back as to how she had almost fallen out in class three rapids. “Um….we’ll see.”

Holtzmann’s eyes danced, but then she looked sad. Her gaze dropped and she fiddled with a hole in her shorts. “Hey—look—“

“We want you to have these.” Erin quickly shoved her card, and the one of Abby’s she kept in her purse, into Holtzmann’s hand. The guide looked startled; Erin quickly stumbled through the rest of her words. “If you’re ever in New York and need…..or when you get your Ph.D. and need….you know.”

The guide took the cards and looked them over. “Thank you.” Then she flipped Erin’s over and noticed the ten digits written hurriedly (but neatly) across the back. “Is this your cell?”

Erin flushed. “I…just in case.”

“Just _in case_?” The guide asked incredulously. Erin flushed darker. Holtzmann winked at her before she carefully slipped the two cards away. “You got it, doll. Thanks, again. I’m sure I’ll be in New York soon….I’ll hit you up.”

“I’d—we’d—I’m sure we’d like to see you again.”

Holtzmann caught the slip but said nothing. Instead she only winked. “See you ‘round?”

“See you…..okay, bye.” Erin scurried back to the car, where Abby and Patty were waiting.

“So,” Patty asked as she drew closer, “did you ask her out or what?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Erin said sharply, fumbling in her purse for the keys to the rental car. She found them, opened the car, jerking the driver’s side door open. “C’mon, get in. We’ve gotta go.”

Patty and Abby gave each other knowing looks but got into the car without any further teasing or questions. The forty-five minute drive back to Monroeville was one of the longest Erin had ever had.

Later that night, when they were safely tucked away back in their hotel room, Erin tried not to be disappointed that Holtzmann had not texted her.

The next morning, Erin and Abby drove back to Pittsburgh and dropped Patty off at the greyhound station, then continued their journey south. Holtzmann had still not texted her.

Erin tried not to be crushed when Holtz did not text her for the rest of her trip. Abby knew, though; she always knew.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yesterday was a great writing day, so you get this early. Kudos and comments are always appreciated--enjoy!

Four months passed, and Erin was certain that she would never hear from Holtzmann again…which was fine. She had been stood up many times before, only usually by men and not women. Women usually had the decency to text first, though.

The Fall semester was in full swing, and Erin had just finished giving her last review before her students first exam. She had been saddled with teaching a freshman Introductory Physics class, and while she was not exactly happy about it, she was going to give them the best damn Physics education they had ever had or would ever have.

“Test on Monday!” she called after her rapidly retreating students as she ended class. “Remember, the study guide is on Blackboard. If you have any questions, email them to me and I will see what I can do.”

“You’re a lot nicer with your students than I would be.”

Erin had to hold back a gasp as Holtzmann materialized out of the crowd—she had not noticed her amongst her students (she _was_ teaching in a big hall). Holtzmann looked far different than Erin had last seen her—gone were the ratty board shorts, bikini top, and cut company t-shirt she had been in on the Yough. Instead the engineering student was wearing overalls, a striped scoop neck, curious yellow-tinted glasses, and a silk scarf knotted loosely around her neck. The appearance was radically different but far more striking; the physicist recognized her immediately.

Erin, naturally, sputtered indignantly at Holtzmann sudden appearance. When she finally found her voice, her words were indignant.“You—you don’t talk to me for four months—”

The grad student shrunk back and down a bit into her overalls. “I…uh….can explain?”

“I don’t think I want you to,” Erin said brusquely, gathering up her papers and stuffing them into her briefcase. “I know when I’m not wanted.”

Holtzmann panicked and flailed a bit, all gesticulating hands. “No—look—I lost my phone right after we met—I’m pretty sure a squirrel took it, the little bastard—and by the time I got a new…” She trailed off, then tried again. “This is your last class, right?”

Erin squinted at her. “How did you know that?”

“…Columbia does publish its schedule of classes online. You can search by professor.” The physicist’s mouth opened, then closed, unable to formulate a decent witty response. Holtz pressed on, regaining a bit of her bravado. “So… you, me…coffee? Thoughts?”

“….Actually I’m quite busy,” Erin lied, fussing with the strap of her briefcase. “My scheduled is…pretty full, pretty booked you know…..professorial meetings and….physics stuff.”

“Oh.” The graduate student visibly deflated. “Well….if you…I leave Sunday so….if…”

“Leave?” Erin asked.

“Back to MIT. I’m in the city for a Mech E conference. Staying at a little hostel in Queens.”

“Oh.”

“But the conference is sort of a bore so I thought I’d pop in on your lecture…I wanted to come see you anyway but—“ the engineer stopped herself. “If you don’t have time, you don’t have time. I’ll see you around—“

“Oh, look, I just remembered, it’s actually Friday, and I’m uh--I’m free from exactly this moment until Monday,” Erin said quickly. “Yes, exactly. So, um, coffee? Coffee would be yes.”

Holtzmann’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. “Is there a Starbucks or something nearby?”

Erin laughed. “Starbucks? In New York? Please.”

“Oh right, I forgot, you can spit and find one here. I’m assuming you know the way.”

“They have Starbucks in…Boston, right?”

“Yes, but I just came from a summer in Western Pennsylvania, where cornfields and mountains vastly outnumber any meaningful townships.” Holtzmann stuffed her hands in the pockets of her overalls. “I sort of forget Starbucks are a thing when the closest one from Mill Run is literally a forty minute drive away.”

Erin could not help be charmed by the engineer. She collected up her briefcase and said, “Well, there’s a Starbucks a couple blocks away on Broadway, but there’s an indie coffee shop on the corner.”

“Indie coffee shop is good. I’m not picky.”

Erin led the way. There was a bit of a line at the store, so as they waited, Erin asked after the safe topic of Holtzmann’s work.

“It’s alright.” Holtzmann shrugged. “It’s going as can be expected. Prototypes haven’t been working so I’m back to looking at the math to see if I fucked up somewhere when I adapted the equations.”

“Well…I wouldn’t mind looking over them sometime,” Erin found herself saying. “I…the equations I mean.”

“Really? You’d do that?”

“Sure…I’ll see if I can catch anything you missed. Your Ph.D. focuses more on the physical side of the spectrum, right? You’re just applying existing theories, so it should not be too hard to see what you missed.”

Holtzmann looked at her critically from behind her yellow glasses. “Did you Google me?”

Erin flushed. She was spared from having to answer by the barista calling her up to order. She got a small chai latte and, after a bit of dithering, got a scone. As she stepped to the side to wait for her drink, she listened to Holtzmann order a large hot chocolate (extra whipped cream) and a slab of lemon-poppyseed cake with chocolate icing. She was a bit surprised by the choice of drink; she thought that Holtzmann might be like Abby and like her coffee so black it was more sludge than liquid.

As the engineer joined her to wait for their drinks, she grinned at her and resumed the conversation. “I’m flattered, Dr. Gilbert, that you’d take time out of your busy research and class schedule to look up little ole me.”

“I was trying to see if I could contact you,” Erin replied defensively. “By the way, you haven’t updated your LinkedIn since undergrad.”

“Sure thing, Mom. I’ll get right on that as soon as I get back to Boston,” the blonde deflected, grabbing her hot chocolate as it was slid across the counter. “Thanks, dude,” she said to the barista, and took a sip. When she looked up, she noticed Erin glaring and sighed. “Look, I’m sorry about the phone thing. I swear on Tesla’s grave I really did lose it.”

“Did you lose my card, too?”

Holtzmann winced. “I don’t…do phone calls. Like, at al.l..”

“Email?”

“Erm…you got me there. But in my defense, I check my email like, twice a month. Less in the summer. So it really didn’t occur to me.”

“But you thought you’d look me up when you were in New York?” Erin asked incredulously.

“Yes! Well, I’d been thinking about doing it anyway, but then the conference came up and I—oh, shit, we’re in the way, sorry.” The engineer hurriedly moved out of the way. Erin had not noticed they were getting many dirty looks from other patrons. Guiltily she slunk to an empty table. Holtzmann followed.

They sat down; the silence between them, from Erin’s end anyway, was frost. Holtz fussed with the cardboard sleeve around her drink. “Look, Erin…. I’m assuming you gave me your cell number for reasons that were not entirely professional.”

Erin got a bit flustered and suddenly inspected her scone with great interest. “What made you think that?”

“Most people don’t give twenty dollar tips,” Holtzmann replied with a cocky little grin. “And, I’m flattered, but…”

Erin’s heart clenched. Shit. Had she made a giant mistake? “…but?”

“Long distance isn’t exactly my thing,” the engineer confessed. “I’m shit with communication as it is, so….”

“Oh….oh, okay. I understand.”

“It isn’t that I don’t want to,” the blonde was quick to clarify. “I just…while I’m in Boston, at MIT…I would only fuck it all up. So…it is possible to get a raincheck?”

“Yeah, sure, that’s fine,” Erin said, hardly daring to believe what she was hearing.

“Don’t feel obligated to wait for me,” Holtz continued, suddenly intense. “If you find someone…more local, someone who cranks your engine…go for it. I want you to be happy.”

The physicist softened slightly. “Same.”

They fell into a lull; normally Erin hated when conversations fell apart, but with the engineer it felt natural. She did not feel the need to fill the silence with anxious chatter. She ate her scone, and Holtz picked pieces off her cake, popping them into her mouth then licking the icing and crumbs off her fingers.

It was an innocent enough gesture, but Erin found herself hard-pressed not to stare. Holtzmann caught her eyes on her and winked, causing her heart to skip a beat.

 _Oh,_ this was going to be _so difficult_.

 -/-

After their coffee date, Holtzmann had put Erin’s number in her new phone and had texted her so Erin had her number as well. The next night, Saturday, Erin was settling in for a boring night at home with Netflix and a Lean Cuisine when her phone buzzed several times in rapid succession. She grabbed it from the counter and checked her messages as she went to sit on the couch, start up Titanic, and cry into her slightly-too-al-dente linguine.

She had gotten a message from Holtzmann; a picture of a plate with food prefaced a barrage of texts.

[08:34:02] Jillian Holtzmann: This awards dinner is literally the worst.  
[08:34:15] Jillian Holtzmann: The mashed potatoes are runny, the broccoli is limp, and this chicken saw more spice when it was alive.    
[08:34:20] Jillian Holtzmann: The strongest thing to drink is red wine.  
[08:34:22] Jillian Holtzmann: Send help.  
[08:34:27] Jillian Holtzmann: And maybe whiskey.

Erin could not help but smile. She set her dinner aside and replied with an ambulance emoji. Then:

[08:35:00] Erin Gilbert: Didn’t take you for the whiskey type.

Holtzmann replied almost immediately. She must really have been bored.

[08:35:10] Jillian Holtzmann: What type did you take me for?  
[08:35:19] Erin Gilbert: Vodka?  
[08:35:23] Jillian Holtzmann: Touche.  
[08:35:46] Jillian Holtzmann: But seriously, I’m about to blow this joint; this food is awful.

Erin quickly snapped a picture of her Lean Cuisine and sent it to Holtzmann.

[08:36:59] Erin Gilbert: It could be worse. This is my dinner for tonight….I’d take rubber chicken any day.  
[08:37:25] Jillian Holtzmann: Want to go find some real food?

The physicist’s heart skipped a beat. Hadn’t Holtzmann just spent half of their coffee meeting yesterday saying she did not want to get involved? Getting dinner was definitely a date. Wasn’t it?

[08:39:04] Erin Gilbert: Aren’t you getting an award?  
[08:39:06] Jillian Holtzmann: Nah  
[08:39:13] Jillian Holtzmann: I’m just here for the free food  
[08:40:27] Erin Gilbert: Well I wouldn’t want to tear you away from your delightfully free rubber chicken dinner.  
[08:41:28] Jillian Holtzmann: Sass, is it, Dr. Gilbert? :P I see how it is.

Erin swallowed, wondering if she had gone too far. She decided to be bold.

[08:42:00] Erin Gilbert: Where’s the award dinner?  
[08:42:29] Jillian Holtzmann: Times Square Marriot. [puking emoji]  
[08:42:41] Erin Gilbert: What is your price range?  
[08:42:48] Jillian Holtzmann: Not too expensive. I am a grad student  
[08:42:52] Jillian Holtzmann: Are we actually doing this?  
[08:42:28] Erin Gilbert: I think so.  
[08:46:27] Erin Gilbert: Makana, Hawaiian-Japanese fusion restaurant? 161 W 106th St.  
[08:46:30] Jillian Holtzmann: Sounds good!  
[08:46:13] Erin Gilbert: I have to get dressed. Catch the 1; it will be cheaper than a cab.  
[08:46:42] Jillian Holtzmann: I know how to navigate NYC. ;) See you soon.  
  
.

.

.

Jillian met her forty-five minutes later still dressed for the award dinner. Her suit was grey and excellently tailored, her wingtip oxfords well kept, her blonde curls quaff more neatly than normal. The engineer cleaned up well, and Erin could not help but be impressed.

“Did you just get here?” the physicist asked, a little breathless. She had power walked from the 103 St subway station.

“I’ve been waiting for about ten minutes.” Holtz looked her up and down; next to her, Erin felt very dressed down. She had thrown on best pair of slacks and her nicest shirt before running out the door.

“No tweed or tiny bowties?”

The physicist flushed. “I was at home until twenty minutes ago.”

“You should have shown up in sweats,” the engineer said with a grin. “I wouldn’t have been mad.”

“I don’t go out in sweats.”

Holtzmann’s grin widened. She reached for the door, pulling it open for her and waving her through with a dramatic bow. As Erin stepped past her Holtz asked, “You mean I don’t get to see your cute butt in sweats?”

“Not this time.”

“Not this time? Does that I am free to make dinner booty calls at Casa Del Gilbert in the future?”

Erin flustered. “Don’t push it.”

The blonde seemed to know she was on the edge of Erin’s comfort zone so she backed off. The physicist was grateful. They hovered, looking at the menu.

“Am I a stereotypical lesbian if I get the fish tacos?”

The physicist sputtered.

“Just kidding. I know what I want, but it’s not fish tacos.”

“I still need some time.”

“Okay.” While Erin decided, Holtzmann stepped forward and ordered the Hawaiian garlic shrimp plate and a coconut bubble tea. She paid, then stepped aside so Erin could put in her order.

“Nice entrée choice,” Holtz said as they collected their numbers and went to pull up one of the small booth-chair-table situations and wait for their meal. “I was thinking about getting the garlic noodles but then remembered the shrimp here is probably baller.”

“Don’t have shrimp in Boston?” Erin teased.

“We do, but I’m used to my usual Pennsylvania seafood moratorium.” Erin blinked at her. “I don’t eat seafood in a land-locked state.”

“That….is actually sound advice.”

“One too many times getting food poisoning will do that to you.”

Erin hummed. The girl behind the counter swung by with their drinks, and Holtzmann eagerly slurped at her bubble tea. The physicist watched as the tapioca pearls traveled up the straw and disappeared into Holtz’s mouth.

“I can’t get over how much they look like frog eggs.”

The engineer looked at her drink with a quirked eyebrow. “I guess you’re right. They kinda do. Bit big, though. Chia seeds in water are almost identical. You could switch them out and the health nuts would never notice.”

Erin could not help but smile. She watched Holtzmann a bit longer, then asked, “How old are you?”

The engineer slapped a hand across her chest and affected a thick southern accent. “Doctor Gilbert, how dare you ask a lady her age?!” Erin was about to respond, but Holtzmann belayed her sudden anxiety with a wink. “I’m thirty-two. Don’t worry, you’re not robbing the cradle _too_ much.”

“You’re thirty-two? I would have thought you’d have been done with your Ph.D. ages ago.”

Holtzmann shrugged indifferently. “Yeah, well…I got accepted to MIT out of high school but then…er…sort of got arrested and went to prison.”

“What?!”

“Ever made nitrogen triiodide?” Holtz asked brightly. Erin stared. “No? You have an advanced degree in the sciences and you never tried to make nitrogen triiodide?”

“No!” the physicist sputtered, aghast. “Were you building a bomb?!” She realized she had said that rather loud and leaned in and whispered, “Please don’t tell me you were building a bomb.”

“Not quite.” Holtzmann had the decency to look slightly ashamed of herself, then brightened with the excitement of an impending story. “I was eighteen and wanted to see if I could. I was the TA for my chem class, so I tried it out during the grading period. Teacher came in, saw, and made a huge deal. School evacuated, I got escorted from the school grounds in handcuffs, judge wanted to make an example. I got five years but got out after three for good behavior.”

Erin boggled. “Nitrogen triiodide is highly unstable! It’s explosive!”

“So it is,” Holtzmann grinned, unabashed.

“Oh my gosh….”

Holtz continued, the words tumbling out now, sort of stilted. “Needless to say, MIT rescinded their scholarship. And my acceptance. Got my GED in prison because my high school expelled me post haste. When I got out I had to work to make the money for community college, then for my undergrad degree.” Holtzmann seemed to realize she was talking a mile a minute and stopped mid story. She looked down at her drink and took a moment to compose herself; when she spoke again, she talked at her usual lit and casual drawl. “I managed to wow a Prof from MIT at a nuclear engineer symposium in Pittsburgh.  Have you heard about Dr. Rebecca Gorin? She’s amazing. She helped get me into MIT again and now she sponsors my Ph.D. work.”

Erin was getting anxiety just _listening_ to Holtzmann tell her story. “How are you so blasé about this?!”

Holtzmann just shrugged. “Shit happened, life moves on. No point in dwelling on the past when life in the present is trying to kick you in the face, y’know?”

“I suppose…”

Their food came at that moment, providing a welcome distraction from Holtzmann’s revelation. Erin showed off a bit by using chopsticks instead of the fork they had also provided her. They were both starving; Holtzmann ate and prodded Erin about her own work. The two of them chatted about particle physics over their empty dishes until the restaurant staff kicked them out at quarter ‘til eleven.

The two walked through the cool fall air for the subway station.

“My bus for Boston leaves at noon tomorrow, so this is probably goodbye for a while,” Holtzmann said softly as they swiped their cards and pushed past the turnstiles into the subway station proper. “Thanks for giving me the excuse to ditch.”

“Thanks for keeping me company on a Saturday night. Otherwise I’d just be crying to Titanic for the five hundredth time.”

Holtzmann laughed. They got on the train; it was bustling. The night, for most New Yorkers, was young. They rode to Columbus Circle, where Erin got off and Holtzmann had to change trains.

They lingered on the platform, not wanting to leave each other’s company.

The engineer shifted on her feet nervously. “I’d kiss you goodbye, but we aren’t dating yet.”

“Kiss me anyway?” Erin asked breathlessly, her heart suddenly beating fast and loud in her ears.

An E train thundered into the platform at that moment.  Holtzmann grimaced, loose curls fluttering in the pressure wave it created. “I’ve always had the worst timing.”

She leaned in; Erin closed her eyes, daring to hope. Then she felt Holtzmann’s lips press against her cheek—firm, purposeful, damp. Erin opened her eyes when the engineer pulled away and bit her lip to keep it from wobbling.

At Erin’s hurt expression, Holtzmann made a point to look guilty. “I want to save the real thing for when it matters matter more.”

“Raincheck,” Erin murmured, her heart constricting a bit.

“Mmm.” The train doors dinged open and Holtz had to get on. She back towards the train and gave her a wink. “See you around, Dr. Gilbert.”

“’Bye, Holtzmann.”

The engineer grinned at her; the train doors closed. The cars pulled away. The wind from the departing train tickled her skin, causing the slightly wet spot on Erin’s cheek where Holtz had kissed her to tingle.

Erin wished she could hold onto the sensation forever; a sign of hope, and a promise of things yet to come.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic keeps getting longer. It was going to be 4 chapters, but Chapter 3 got away from me and needed to be split in two. So now this thing has 5 parts....whoops. Enjoy!

**_October_ **

-/-

The next afternoon, the afternoon the engineer left New York, Erin texted Holtzmann.

 _Erin Gilbert:_ _Let me know when you get to Boston safely._

Five hours later she got a picture of Holtzmann covered in small fluffy creatures.

 _Jillian Holtzmann: They missed me : )_  
_Erin Gilbert: What are those?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Chinchillas._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Scully, Mulder, Sally, and Ada._  
_Erin Gilbert: Which is which?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Mulder is darkest one, Scully is the beige one, Sally is the lightest one, and Ada is the brown one. : )_  
_Erin Gilbert: They’re cute._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: : )_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I’m going into the lab. Phone free zone. Ttyl_  
_Erin Gilbert: Goodnight_

-/-

 Two or so weeks after they had met in New York, an email from Holtzmann appeared in her official Columbia email. Curious, Erin took a break from grading quizzes to read it.

 _02:43, 10/18_  
To: [_egilbert@columbia.edu_](mailto:egilbert@columbia.edu)  
cc: [_GorinR@mit.edu_](mailto:GorinR@mit.edu)  
From: Holtzmann_J@mit.edu  
Subject: RE: Official Review Request

_Dr. Gilbert;_

_During out meeting in New York City last week you offered to look over my equations for my applied nuclear engineering thesis. I have attached a pdf of those equations; please get them back to me as soon as possible._

_Cheers,_

_Jillian Holtzmann_

\--  
  
_Jillian Holtzmann, Ph.D. candidate_  
_Researcher, Gorin Lab of Applied Nuclear Engineering_  
_TA PHYS481, PHYS132 (Office Hours: M, Th 3p-5p and by appointment)_  
_Department of Nuclear Science and Engineering_  
_Massachusetts Institute of Technology_  
_Lab #15, 77 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA 02139_  
_Pronouns: She/Her/Hers_

_-/-_

 

 _Erin Gilbert: That was a super official email for someone who likes to include emojis and text speak in her text :P_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Paper trail needs official words for official people to think things are being done properly_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Perhaps I’ll try again?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Pls amazing and fantastic particle physics professor goddess dr erin gilbert look over my equations and tell me, sniveling mortal engineer, how to do the thing better than I am doing the thing now_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: [praying hands emoji]_  
_Erin Gilbert: [eyeroll emoji]_  
_Erin Gilbert: I’ll look at them after these exams are done._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Don’t you have TAs?_  
_Erin Gilbert: Yes but these are the graduate exams_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: :/ :/ :/ :/_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Godspeed_

-/-

 _08:25, 10/21_  
To: Holtzmann_J@mit.edu  
cc: [_GorinR@mit.edu_](mailto:GorinR@mit.edu)  
From: [_egilbert@nyu.edu_](mailto:egilbert@nyu.edu)  
Subject: RE: Official Review Request

_Miss Holtzmann;_

_Attached are my reworking of your problems, although I have left the final answer for you to solve yourself. I will say, your equations were remarkably close. I look forward to seeing the applied results of these equations._

_Best,_

_Dr. Gilbert_

_\--_

_Erin Gilbert, Ph.D._  
Associate Professor, New York University  
PHYS141, PHYS680: Office Hours T,W 9a-11a or by appointment  
_Department of Physics_  
_New York University_  
_4 Washington Place, Lab #58_  
_New York, NY 10003_

-/-

 _Jillian Holtzmann: You should really put your pronouns in your email signature_  
_Erin Gilbert: Excuse me?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Your pronouns. He/She/They/Etc_  
_Erin Gilbert: Why?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: So your trans and gender nonconforming students know they are safe in your classroom_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Contrary to popular belief there are queer people in STEM_  
_Erin Gilbert: You mean we are not outliers after all?_  
_Erin Gilbert: …That was a joke, Holtzmann_  
_Erin Gilbert: I’ll talk to my department head._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Better to ask forgiveness than permission_  
_Erin Gilbert: Is that your life motto?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: You bet your collection of cute little bow ties it is_  
_Erin Gilbert: :|_  
_Erin Gilbert: They come with the shirts : |_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Keep telling yourself that :P_  
_Erin Gilbert: What are *your* pronouns, anyway?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: She/Her. You?_  
_Erin Gilbert: Same._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: : )_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: But seriously, consider it._  
_Erin Gilbert: I will._

-/-

**_November_ **

_-/-_

Erin quickly learned that communicating with Jillian Holtzmann was an exercise in patience. She would forget about everything—texts, calls, emails, eating—and get wrapped up in the lab. Erin could get a barrage of fifteen texts in a row before being put on radio silence for the next week and a half.

 She understood why Holtzmann had wanted to wait until she was done at MIT before even attempting to get romantic; long distance relationships relied heavily on communication, and when Holtzmann threw herself into her work, nothing else mattered to her but the device under her fingers and the ideas in her brain.

Holtz’s inability to communicate regularly outside of personal interaction was, so far, her only drawback. She was charming, witty, confident, and _god_ she was smart. Erin knew she was intelligent from their conversation on the rock back in Pennsylvania, but now that she was privy to Holtzmann’s work—pictures of blueprints, equations, asking for her opinion—she knew the engineer was off the charts.

At some point in early November, Holtz started texting her good morning. There were rarely good night texts from because Holtzmann was usually in the lab when Erin went to bed. Erin took care of those; she always made sure to text the engineer goodnight before she fell asleep.

When she woke up on a chilly November morning, she rolled over and checked her phone. Holtzmann had yet to text back. It was early, six or so, which just meant that Dr. Gorin had yet to arrive and kick the engineer out of the lab to get some sleep. Erin went about her day as usual—breakfast, shower, pack lunch. Then it was in to campus to meet with Abby before her ten o’clock class.

Erin’s ‘office’ was a desk, chair, and computer in Abby’s astrophysics laboratory. The lab was cluttered but warm, filled with machines, computers, tables covered in bits and bobs and endless sheets of paper. Erin was a particle physicist, but she had paired up with Abby on her new research project (and indeed on most of her research projects) because they both worked well together, and when it came down to it, they both produced solid work quickly and efficiently.

When Erin swiped her ID card to unlock the lab, Abby was not in yet. She stepped in took a deep breath of the comforting smell off coffee and papers—the lab always smelled of coffee, usually whatever pot Abby was brewing or had brewed the day before. Erin set down her things at her desk, put on a pot, then went and got lost in her numbers.

Abby bustled in around quarter-till nine. “Morning, Er’.”

“Morning, Abby. I made coffee.”

“So I smell.” Abby dumped her things on the floor and made a beeline for the coffee maker. “You want?”

“Please.”

Erin took the opportunity to stretch and check her phone while Abby poured them both generous cups of coffee. She had a message from Holtzmann.

_Jillian Holtzmann: Good morning you gorgeous cinnamon roll (:_

The physicist could not help but smile. She had a feeling Holtzmann was probably already asleep, but she texted her back.

_\ Erin Gilbert: Good morning. : )_

“You’re making that stupidly happy face,” Abby said as she came over with Erin’s Physic is Phun mug. “Are you watching kitten videos again?”

“What? Oh, no it’s just….Holtzmann.”

Abby made a fond, if exasperated, face and took Erin phone. She looked at Holtzmann’s text and rolled her eyes. “Gorgeous cinnamon roll? You guys should just say you’re dating and get it over with. She’s already coming up with nicknames for you!”

“That wouldn’t be a good idea.”

“Why not? You’re already pinning, you might as well just make it officially sanctioned pinning.”

Erin made a face and snatched her phone back from Abby. “Holtzmann doesn’t want to do long distance.”

“So you’ve told me for the tenth time.”

The physicist sighed and tossed her phone on her desk. “It doesn’t matter anyway. C’mon, lets just talk about the project.”

Abby made a sympathetic face but decided to take pity on her and move on. She launched animatedly into a theory she had thought of that weekend while at a symposium. Erin half-listened, knowing she should be paying attention to Abby’s potential breakthrough, but another part of her was thinking about how nice it would be to have woken up that morning with Holtzmann curled into her back.

-/-

It was a simple enough text.

_Jillian Holtzmann: What are you doing for Thanksgiving?_

Erin was surprised. Generally the only time Holtzmann texted first was to say good morning, or to send her work related pictures (although once she learned Erin loved them, there were also many pictures of the chinchillas sent to her at all hours of the day and night). The engineer rarely asked about Erin’s comings and goings or plans.

 _Erin Gilbert: Abby and myself are having a little get together potluck style. Patty is going to swing by after her family thing._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Cool : )_  
_Erin Gilbert: You?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Dr. Gorin and I are going to order food and hate watch the game. As you do._  
_Erin Gilbert: As one does._  
_Erin Gilbert: Not spending it in PA with your family?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: They get one holiday a year—the 4 th._  
_Erin Gilbert: Not Christmas?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I’d rather die_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: g2g into the lab EG ttyl_

Erin was extremely put off by the sudden shift in tone and abrupt end to the conversation. She did not realize Holtzmann’s personal life was such a touchy spot—but then she remembered the stilted way that the engineer had told the story of her high school exploits. She should have known better.

_Erin Gilbert: Was it something I said?  
Erin Gilbert: I’m sorry if it was. I did not mean to pry._

She did not get a reply for three days. When she did, it was in a barrage of texts that came in the middle of the night.

 _Jillian Holtzmann: No_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: “Family” would imply they A) cared about me B) stopped asking me when I’m going to get over my “phase”_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Stereotypical West PA hicks_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Anyway._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: [video]_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Look at Scully eat carrots *w*_

Erin watched the video of Scully eating, and smiled softly as Holtz made baby talk at her chinchilla off screen. _“Who is the softest? Who has the cutest nose? Is it you? …No, actually, it’s Sally. Sally has the cutest nose. But you are the softest.”_

Holtzmann was such a dork; Erin adored that side of her. The physicist saved the video and texted Holtz back.

 _Erin Gilbert: I’m sorry to hear that._  
_Erin Gilbert: And so cute : )_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: *shrugs*_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: It is what it is._  
_Erin Gilbert: You’re still awake? I thought you would have passed out._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I’m walking back now._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Gorin kicked me out at midnight p:_  
_Erin Gilbert: To sleep I hope. It’s been 3.5 days_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: *shrugs*_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Took a 4 hour nap, ate, fed the tribbles._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Next thesis chapter is due tomorrow :/_  
_Erin Gilbert: You have to write it in the lab?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Need the lack of internet + soundproof walls to focus_  
_Erin Gilbert: Ah._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Into the void!_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Ttyl_

-/-

Thanksgiving came. Dinner was hosted at Abby’s apartment. While it was potluck sort of deal, considering how dangerous to the food it would be to even attempt to take it on the subway Erin fronted Abby the money for her share of the supplies. Abby bought them, and Erin stayed over on Tuesday night to help cook. Patty dropped off the turkey Wednesday afternoon, fully seasoned and ready to cook the next morning; technically, because Abby was hosting, she should have made the turkey, but Patty refused to have anything to do with an unseasoned turkey.

“I love ya’ll, but you white people don’t know how to season anything,” Patty had said when the three of them had divided up the Thanksgiving essentials for the first time. “I’m not eating no bland ass turkey. I’ll handle it.”

So for the past few years, since they had started their little Thanksgiving potluck, Abby had been in charge of the pies and the stuffing, Patty had cooked the turkey, and Erin made the green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce. They rotated hosting spots, but no matter what Erin and Abby always went home together after work on Tuesday. They religiously spent Tuesday night goofing off and watching movies, Wednesday night cooking for Thursday and drinking wine, and then spent Thursday morning watching the Macy’s Day Parade on TV and cooking more before Patty came over (or home) for dinner.

 Spending the holiday with her best friend was soul regenerative for Erin. Sure, the two physicists worked together every day in the same lab, but they rarely hung out after hours. Erin often went straight home after class, needing time to recharge her introvert batteries. Abby was the one who went out to bars with Patty on Friday and Saturday nights; they left Erin to her ‘me’ time, only asking that she come out with them when she felt like it (which was about once a month).

Five hours into Thanksgiving Day, as Erin took a break from mashing potatoes, she decided to  text Holtzmann. Checking to make sure Abby was engrossed in making the lattice over her blueberry pie, she pulled out her phone and did just that:

_Erin Gilbert: How is your Thanksgiving going?_

Her phone buzzed in her back pocket a few hours later while she was carefully watching the cranberry sauce simmer on the stove. She turned down the heat then checked Holtzmann’s response (Holtzmann was the only one who texted her, anymore, really).

 _Jillian Holtzmann: Ts’okay_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: We ordered Greek food_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: gyros on point !_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Becca also got a baller chocolate mousse pie at Wegmans_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: which sounds like it wouldn’t go well with greek food but idgaf because it was delicious_  
_Erin Gilbert: Haha_  
_Erin Gilbert: I’m glad you are enjoying yourself._  
_Erin Gilbert: Are you watching the game?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Yup. We recorded the first half while we ate_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: And now: mixed drinks, hate watching, pie, and no commercials! 8D_  
_Erin Gilbert: lol_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: You?_  
_Erin Gilbert: Still cooking._  
_Erin Gilbert: Patty does not get here until 5 or 6. She’s at her Uncle place first._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Ah_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Enjoy your turkey dinner_  
_Erin Gilbert: Thanks. Have fun. : )_

An hour or so later, while Abby and Erin were waiting for Patty to arrive, Erin got more texts from Holtzmann.

 _Jillian Holtzmann: Riddle me this, Er Bear._  
Jillian Holtzmann: _What does it say about us (Dr Gorin and myself)_ _t_ _hat our hallowed lesbian tradition is getting drunk on Thanksgiving and hatewatching men in tights crash and grind against each other because they are chasing an inflated ball?_  
_Erin Gilbert: I don’t know._  
_Erin Gilbert: Are you drunk?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: ‘Lil bit. How’d you know?_  
_Erin Gilbert: You haven’t texted me with perfect sentence construction or punctuation in weeks._  
_Erin Gilbert: That plus your earlier mentions of mixed drinks leads me to the obvious conclusion: you’re drunk._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: :P_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Does drunk Erin text crazy?_  
_Erin Gilbert: Drunk Erin does not text._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Spoilsport. : (_

Erin was saved from rebutting by Patty’s arrival at Abby’s apartment door bearing a giant basket of rolls that had been sent with Patty from her family.

_Erin Gilbert: Patty is here. Gotta go.  
Jillian Holtzmann: G’night  <3_

The physicist mulled over the heart at the end of Holtzmann’s text the entire night.

-/-

**_December_ **

_-/-_

The sudden breakthrough Erin and Abby made over a napkin musing of Erin’s as they ate leftovers the Saturday of Thanksgiving Break weekend caused the end of the semester to throw itself into complete and utter shambles. Erin’s micro-managed, time-accurate color-coded schedule, while not completely thrown to the wind, was at least sufficiently rearranged to provide the time needed for their sudden intense work schedule. When they were invested, both Abby and Erin got as dedicated as Holtzmann. While the two of them stopped short of sleeping in their lab, after their breakthrough they lived, slept, and breathed astrophysics and dark matter for a month and a half. Both women stopped only to eat, sleep, and go teach their classes.

Erin felt bad for more or less abandoning Holtzmann for her own work; the engineer, busy with her own thesis, was encouraging and supportive of the two of them and told her to focus on what she had to. Erin was happy to note that occasionally Holtzmann checked up on her wellbeing instead of the other way around. There was a marked increase in chinchilla pictures sent to Erin’s phone as the two physicists began compiling their sudden influx in research for the quarterly research documentation submission at the end of December.

Finally, they submitted their research nearly a week early in preparation for finals week; Abby wanted to take off early for the holiday break, and Erin did not blame her in the slightest. She needed the vacation less than Abby did; Abby thrived on the lure of stretches of time without work (i.e. the promise of vacations) while Erin flourished on a schedule that she could maintain day to day. After such an intensive work schedule, both of them needed a break.

Despite needing a break, Abby and Erin ended their madcap dash to turn in their research just in time to be instantly sucked into the insanity of finals weeks. Their lab, instead of being covered in stacks of computer simulations and research rough drafts, was now covered in stacks of finals. They spent three sleepless days grading with their TAs, then inputted the grades to calculate final scores.

Finally, a week before Christmas, freedom. Blissful freedom from research, students, office hours, and exams. Naturally, Erin, Abby, and Patty celebrated by going out. Erin might have had one or two too many mixed drinks; she woke up on Patty’s couch the next morning with a screaming migraine, a tongue that felt like cotton balls, and a series of text exchanges with Holtzmann she did not remember happening.

 _Erin Gilbert: [picture]_  
_Erin Gilbert: Hap py seamstress end_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: ?_  
_Erin Gilbert: seamstress_  
_Erin Gilbert: SEAMSTRESS_  
_Erin Gilbert: fck_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Dr. Erin Gilbert_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: are you DRUNK?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: oooo:_  
_Erin Gilbert: no_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: u totally are 8D_  
_Erin Gilbert: nooooooo_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I thought drunk Erin doesn’t text ? :P_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Erin?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Eeeeeeeeerriiiiiin?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Goodnight you adorable drunk cinnamon roll <3_

Erin could feel herself heating up in embarrassment. She wanted to curl up into herself and die; or, better yet, the couch she was on could eat her and she would be lost to a world of dust balls and pennies forever. How could she have drunk texted Holtzmann? How could she do that? What would Holtzmann think of her?

 _Erin Gilbert: Oh my Gosh, Holtzmann, I’m so sorry._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: It’s okay_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: It was kinda cute <3_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I’ll reiterate, though: I thought Drunk Erin doesn’t text?_  
_Erin Gilbert: I don’t…_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: You obviously did_  
_Erin Gilbert: I forgot to turn on my text blocker._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Ah….oops lol_  
_Erin Gilbert: My head hurts._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I’m sorry : (_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Would a video of Ada taking a dust bath make you feel better?_  
_Erin Gilbert: ….Yes._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: : ) [video]_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: May her cuteness remove the headache from that big beautiful brain of yours (:_

-/-

As Erin prepared to go to her parents for Christmas, she slowly returned to her usual routine. For the first time in weeks she remembered to observe the world around her; while she and Abby had been shuttered away in their lab, Manhattan had descending into the annual clusterfuck that occurred during the holiday rush. In her mad dash to do final shopping, wrapping, and packing, the physicist avoided Times Square and all of the main tourist locations like the plague.

The night before she was supposed to leave, and she was obsessively running through her packing list for the third time, Holtzmann texted her.

 _Jillian Holtzmann: Gueeeeessssss what is coming to Boston in mid-March?_  
_Erin Gilbert: What?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: [link]_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: National Conference on Nuclear Engineering and Particle Physics : )_  
_Erin Gilbert: Don’t you have a thesis to be working on?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Gilbert you wound me : (_

Erin went to shower; or, rather, she stood under the spray and thought. She also worried. Going to the conference in Boston would mean time with Holtzmann, something she desperately craved now. This new development was, frankly, slightly alarming to her. They were supposed to be friends, at least until Holtzmann’s thesis was done. Holtzmann could not handle keeping up communication in long-distance relationship, especially for a long stretch of time, what with her startling ability to shut out the world for literal weeks at a time when she got focused on a project. Furthermore, Erin’s anxiety would not even permit the thought of a long distance relationship—there were too many variables, too many instances in the past where she had been burned.

But Erin wanted to spend time with Holtz—she wanted this desperately. She wanted to be flirted with and teased, and she wanted to flirt and tease back. Erin wanted to go sit in on panels with her and watch Holtz present her work (if she got the chance). And maybe, just maybe, Erin wanted to go to a movie and dinner then go back to her apartment ~~and make out and possibly have sex~~ meet her chinchillas. But would the engineer have the time? Erin, an established tenure-track faculty member, had plenty of time to spare. She had capable TA’s and could take off from her class to attend the conference if need be, but Holtzmann was teaching a lab and TAing for another class and presenting her thesis in June. Busy as she was, mid-March would be crunch time for the engineer. Did Erin have the right to take a full weekend (or more) away from Holtzmann’s work schedule?

She got out of the shower.  
  
_Jillian Holtzmann: They are still taking research presentations proposals until Jan 1 ;)_

Erin swallowed. It looked as if Holtzmann wanted her to come. She probed tentatively.

 _Erin Gilbert: Are you submitting?_  
Jillian Holtzmann: Naturally.  
Jillian Holtzmann: Along w/ the rest of Gorin’s lab but w/e  
  
Erin was thrown—she should have known that other people worked in Dr. Gorin’s lab besides Holtzmann. She and Abby had three or four graduate students in and out at any given time—why should Dr. Gorin’s lab be any different?  
  
Erin Gilbert: Other people work in Gorin’s lab besides you?  
Jillian Holtzmann: I am not the only Gorin lab rat no  
Jillian Holtzmann: a cryin’ shame, honestly  
Jillian Holtzmann: I can’t blast music when they are here  
Erin Gilbert: Is that why you are there at 4am daily?  
_Jillian Holtzmann_ : _beautiful and smart. I like it ;)_  
  
Erin flushed; Holtzmann had been getting blatantly flirtatious recently. She realized they had deviated from the subject.  
  
_Erin Gilbert: I’ll think about it._  
Jillian Holtzmann: _?_  
 Erin Gilbert: Submitting that is.  
Jillian Holtzmann: _yay !  
Jillian Holtzmann_ : _You’re welcome to stay at my place_ : )

Was Holtzmann even _trying_ anymore?

 _Erin Gilbert: Is that the wisest idea?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: …..not in a sex way_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I mean I wouldn’t be opposed ; )_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: but_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I don’t think we could handle casual sex_  
_Erin Gilbert: Me either…_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: But don’t worry, I have le couch : )_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: And friendly roomies…plus the tribbles_  
_Erin Gilbert: Ok._  
_Erin Gilbert: Like I said, I’ll think about it._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: ok : )_

-/-

 _Erin Gilbert: Merry Christmas_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Same to you_  
_Erin Gilbert: What are you up to today?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Just me, Netflix, and the tribbles_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Not in a weird way, tho_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Roomies went home so I’m just hanging out_  
_Erin Gilbert: No one to spend the holidays with? : ( :(_  
_Erin Gilbert: Not even Dr. Gorin?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Just not my favorite holiday_  
_Erin Gilbert: Oh._

Before she could ask why the engineer was not fond of Christmas Holtzmann kept texting her, putting the question out of context with the conversation.  
  
_Jillian Holtzmann: You’re at home?_  
_Erin Gilbert: Yeah._  
_Erin Gilbert: In Michigan._  
_Erin Gilbert: With my parents and family…_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: That’s fun_  
_Erin Gilbert: Yes…. Fun… : /_  
_Erin Gilbert: I was going to get you a gift but I didn’t know what to get you._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Oh, it ain’t no thang_  
_Jillian Holtzmann:  Don’t worry about it u don’t have to get me anything_  
_Erin Gilbert: But I wanted to  : (_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: ThinkGeek, then ;)_  
_Erin Gilbert: Okay._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Or you could come to the conference in March ;)_  
_Erin Gilbert: I’ve been looking at my stuff for the deadline._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: : )_  
_Jillian Holtzmann:  Gorin Lab submitted right before break so hopefully we’ll be there_  
_Erin Gilbert: When do they release the dates on the final invitee list?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann:  Mid February… and I checked, it’s during your Spring Break._  
_Erin Gilbert: Oh?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Yeah._  
_Erin Gilbert: Oh._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Did you have plans for Spring Break?_  
_Erin Gilbert: Not really…_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I’ll think about it, Holtz. No promises._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: No pressure, I swear._  
_Erin Gilbert: I know, I appreciate it._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: : )_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Go enjoy your fam jam. Or don’t. w/e floats your goat_  
_Erin Gilbert: Thanks Holtz_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: ttyl : )_  
  
-/-

 _Erin Gilbert: You will be pleased to know I submitted for the conference_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: !!!_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: :D_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: So you’re coming?_  
_Erin Gilbert: If I get accepted, yes._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I’m sure you will : )_

Erin knew she should not get her hopes up, but the thought of seeing Holtzmann again, in person, made her heart flutter.

-/-

Her phone rang loudly on her coffee table—Erin started awake from where she had fallen asleep on the couch and fumbled for it blindly in the dark. It was just past midnight; the caller ID said Jillian Holtzmann. The physicist swallowed, trying to force herself more awake, and answered the call.

“Hello?”

“Hey.” Holtzmann’s voice was husky; it sounded like a lack of sleep, but possibly it could be something else.

“Hey.” Erin sat up, turned on the light. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Just…Happy New Year.”

“I—“ Erin realized she had slept through the New Year—she now heard the celebration in the street. New York City was never quiet, but on New Years, it was even less quiet. She could not believe she had slept through all the noise. “Happy New Year, Holtzmann.”

Silence. Then, “Right, well…that’s all I called to say.”

“Oh. Well…do you have to hang up?”

“No, I’m just walking back to my apartment.” The sound of the phone being moved. “And then I remembered what time it was, so I thought….I’d call.”

Erin’s heart thudded loudly in her ears. Holtzmann had thought of her at midnight on New Years? Holtzmann who _didn't do_ phone calls, had called her anyway? Was this real life? “It's good to hear your voice...do…you…want to keep talking?”

She could hear the smile in Holtzmann’s voice. “Sure. I’m sure my roomies will be up for a while anyway. Wouldn’t mind chatting.”

“Okay…well…how was your day? What did you do in the lab?”

Holtzmann started talking; they did not end the call until Erin fell asleep on the phone three hours later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed. Sorry it took so long to update, my life has been crazy. Comments, kudos, etc appreciated :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have given up on trying to put a chapter limit on this fic; I just keeps getting longer and defying every attempt I make to plot it out. I would say I've got two, maybe three chapters left in this sucker now that this chapter happened (and got too long and had to be broken), but I really don't know because everything keeps changing. We'll see! Enjoy, folks!

**Chapter 4**

-/-

**_January_ **

-/-

“You got me an R2-D2 coffee press, you precious nerd!” Holtzmann exclaimed excitedly, causing Erin to smile. The engineer had gotten her Christmas present from Erin in the mail that morning and had insisted on opening it over Skype when Erin returned home from work.

“How did you know Star Wars was my childhood?”

“Lucky guess?” Actually, it had been more of a case that Erin had gone through every single video or picture Holtzmann had ever sent her, scanning the background for clues as to what she liked. She had seen a lot of Star Wars, Star Trek, and X-Files memorabilia, so when she had gone online to search for things that fell under those categories. The newly released coffee press seemed the logical choice for a nerdy nuclear engineer heading into her final thesis push.

Holtz held the coffee press up to the webcam and mimed R2’s beeping noises noises.

“Is that thank you?” Erin asked, adjusting her phone as she put a tupperware container in the microwave.

Holtz made a couple more R2-D2 noises and nodded, then put the press to the side in favor of scooping up a chinchilla. Erin could not tell which, the video was too grainy, but Holtz and chinchilla reclined on the couch of Holtz’s shared living room.

“Who’ve you got there?”

“Mulder.”

“The two of you look very comfy.”

“Would be nicer with you here.” A pause. “I mean—what? Mulder, did you say that?”  
  
“Holtzmann—”

“Oh, shit, wow look at the time—I--erm—gotta go,” the engineer said quickly, bolting up from the couch. “Talk later, bye.”

Before Erin could say anything the call ended and she was left staring at a suddenly bright screen. The microwave beeped behind her, but she did not hear it, her brain too busy repeating what Holtzmann had said moments earlier.

_Would be nicer with you here._

She sighed and rubbed her temples. Who were they kidding, really, anymore? Even Holtzmann, the creator of the long-distance moratorium, was breaking.

 

 _Erin Gilbert: Are we going to talk about what just happened?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: What just happened?_  
_Erin Gilbert: Holtzmann._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I really do like R2, I’m going to take him into the lab : )_  
_Erin Gilbert: Don’t change the subject._

 

When Holtzmann did not reply for an entire day, Erin decided to take a stance of her own.  


_Erin Gilbert: If you’re going to be childish like this, you can consider whatever relationship we might have had over before it begins._  
_Erin Gilbert: We are both grown adults and we have acknowledged our feelings for each other, but we also both know what is best for us respectfully. For you that is not having a long distance relationship, for me it’s not feeling like I’ve been abandoned._  
_Erin Gilbert: I definitely feel like I’ve been abandoned right now and I do not appreciate feeling like this._  


The next morning, Erin woke to a response.  


_Jillian Holtzmann: I’m sorry I made you feel abandoned_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I just froze up ?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I’m not good w/ feelings they scare the shit out of me_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I had to go think about shit in the lab_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: It’s not an excuse just an explanation P:_  
  
  
Erin swallowed thickly; half of her wanted to let Holtzmann stew in it for a few hours, maybe even a few days, but the logical part of her brain said that was the exact opposite of what she needed.  


_Erin Gilbert: We need to do better. Collectively._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Yes_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: But not you, you’re perfect_  
_Erin Gilbert: This is serious, Holtz._  
_Erin Gilbert: We need to be able to communicate our feelings effectively._  
_Erin Gilbert: (Good morning, by the way.)_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: (Good morning)_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: And yes, we do_  
_Erin Gilbert: Good._  
_Jillian Holtzmann: : )_  
_Erin Gilbert: What did you get done while you were sulking in the lab?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Weeeeeeeelll_

 

-/-

Three days after their mini fight, Erin checked her phone walking to the subway station and received the shock of her life.

 

 _Jillian Holtzmann: I may have done something_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: uh_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: incredibly impulsive just now_  
_Erin Gilbert: How impulsive?_  
_Erin Gilbert: What did you do?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: I uh_  
_Jilliam Holtzmann: may have a bus ticket to NYC for tomorrow morning, 7a_

 

Erin’s heart leapt into her throat and stayed there. _What?!_ She wanted to call Holtzmann immediately but the reception in the subway was shit. She waited impatiently for her stop, then pressed the call button next to Holtzmann’s name as she passed through the turnstile. As soon as the call was live she said, “You’re coming _here_? _Tomorrow_?”

“Aaaaaayuuuuuuup,” came the engineer’s familiar drawl, the ‘p’ popped with such force that Erin winced. A pause. Then, “If that’s….okay with you?”

“Oh my God, are you coming to see me?”

“Well…that might have been part of the reason, yeah.”

Silence.

“Are you…..upset with me?”

Erin let out a breathless little laugh. “Oh my God no, just…flabbergasted. Stressed—oh God, my apartment is a mess.”

“I can stay in a hostel,” Holtzmann said quickly. “I don’t want to impo—”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” the physicist overrode her. “I just….that means I have to clean tonight. Which is fine! I just…how long are you…?”

“Thought I’d stay the weekend?” the engineer hedged. “Tomorrow’s Friday we could…do something?”

“That sounds great I’ll…see you tomorrow, then.”

Holtzmann said something, then they ended the call. Erin leaned against the door to her apartment, in shock. The engineer would be in the city, with her, in less than twenty four hours.

-/-

Erin did not get much done the next day. The forecast was calling for icy cold and a snow front; normally such things would only get a grumble from her, and an extra layer thrown on for protection, but  there was a real possibility that Holtzmann’s bus would get canceled if the front came in early. Naturally, Erin’s anxiety went through the roof.

Thankfully, her worries were for naught. At half past seven in the morning, as she was about to run out the door, she got a text from Holtzmann.

_Jillian Holtzmann: Aaaand, we’re off !  
Jillian Holtzmann: Next stop, NYC ;)_

Erin’s heart soared. Despite the bitter cold she quickly took off her gloves texted her back.

_Erin Gilbert: See you soon!_

At work, Erin honestly did try to get work done, but her mind was obviously elsewhere. There were endless things to do in New York City, but now that Holtzmann was coming she had to figure out which ones the engineer might like to do. In between staring at problems uselessly, she would look up things she might like. It was windy, cold, and would probably be snowy, so that put most of the usual tourist attractions right out, if Holtzmann had not done them already.

 

 _Erin Gilbert: Have you been to the Nintendo Store?_  
_Jillian Holtzmann: Not recently_  
 _Jillian Holtzmann: Why, wanna go?_  
 _Erin Gilbert: Maybe…_  
 _Erin Gilbert: How about the Strand?_  
 _Jillian Holtzmann: I’ve been meaning to go ;)_  
 _Jillian Holtzmann: Are you trying to plan this weekend out or something?_  
 _Erin Gilbert: No…_  
 _Jillian Holtzmann: don’t we’ll play it by ear_  
 _Jillian Holtzmann: ….besides there are some places I want to show you ! : )_  
 _Erin Gilbert: I plan, that’s what I do._  
 _Erin Gilbert: Where?_  
 _Jillian Holtzmann: That’s for me to know, for you to find out ;)_  
 _Jillian Holtzmann: Go back to your very important work, Dr. Gilbert :P_  
 _Erin Gilbert: :P_

 

Despite Holtzmann’s insistence, Erin was not able to focus. She eventually gave up completely after the engineer texted her a little past eleven to say she was in the city. Abby made fun of her from across the lab as she packed up all of her stuff and whittled away the time by playing Candy Crush on her phone.

Suddenly she was enveloped from behind in a hug that smelled of smoke, burnt rubber, and Old Spice’s Desperado deodorant. Before she could react, gloved hands tugged her phone from her hands. “This doesn’t look like particle physics.”

Erin’s heart skipped a beat, partly from surprise, but from the fact that the hands and voice inexplicably belonged to Holtzmann. “You’re here!”

“I am, I am. Finally.” The engineer pulled away, still in possession of Erin’s phone. “I didn’t take you for the Candy Crunch type, EG.”

“She’s an addict,” Abby teased good-naturedly from her desk before Erin could reply. She got up, brushing off her sweater. “Nice to see you again, Holtzmann.”

“Good to see you, too. Abby, right?” Holtzmann winked at her. “Nice set up you’ve got here. Erin said you guys just turned in a bunch of research on dark matter?”

“That’s right.”

“Can I have my phone back?” Erin asked impatiently.

“I gueeessss,” Holtzmann drawled, but handed it over without much ado. “You won’t miss her too much if I steal her for an early weekend?”

“Be my guest. She wasn’t getting much work done over there anyway.”

“So I gathered.”

Erin flushed and put her phone away in her purse. For the first time she took in what Holtzmann was wearing: overalls, a sweater, a leather jacket, her big clumpy boots and, of course, fingerless gloves. A silver duffle bag, which looked like it had seen better days, had been dumped by the floor.

“Are you ready to go?” the physicist asked.

Holtzmann went to get her bag and slung the strap over her shoulder. “I was born ready. Let’s bounce, pretty lady.”

Abby grinned like a cat with the cream as Erin blushed. “Have fun, you two!”

“Oh, we will,” the engineer said with a wink before letting Erin take her hand and lead her from the lab.

“Are you hungry?” Erin asked as they left the Physics building. “Did you get lunch?”

“I could eat…but first I’d like to dump my bag back at your place.”

“Oh, yeah, sure.” The physicist immediately switched their path towards the subway station. “It’s not too far of a ride…how was the bus?”

“It was fine. Long, boring. The wifi wasn’t working on it, but I got another chapter of the thesis written.”

“Did you? That’s great!”

The two walked into the relative warmth of the subway tunnel and pushed through the turnstiles after swiping their fare cards. As they waited for the appropriate 1 train, Holtzmann’s arm instinctively settled around Erin’s waist; Erin leaned into the touch without thinking. Holtzmann looked over at her, smiled, and squeezed her hip.

.

.

.

They dropped Holtzmann’s dufflebag off at Erin’s apartment. While Erin changed, Holtzmann puttered around. The physicist had a few plants on her windowsill, but otherwise it was a pretty minimal existence.

“Did you clean? Because it doesn’t look like you did much at all?” Holtzmann teased Erin as she came out of the bedroom, wearing a soft plush sweater and jeans.

Erin blushed. “I mean…I had to vacuum…do the dishes…scrub the shower…”

“All for lil’ ole me?” The engineer swaggered over and reached in, tugging gently on Erin’s belt loop until they were barely an inch apart. “You shouldn’ve.”

They were so close Holtzmann could hear Erin swallow, see her break out in a nervous, anticipatory sweat. She thought it was absolutely adorable.

“Don’t tease me, Holtzmann,” Erin whispered after a moment of silence between them.

“I wasn’t going to.” Holtzmann slid her arm around Erin’s waist and closed the distance between them. Her chapped lips were feather soft against the physicist’s; after months of dreaming it took all of her self-control to not deepen the kiss, hungry and greedy. Then, to Holtzmann’s surprised, Erin pressed back, deepening the kiss. While it was not hungry by any means, Holtzmann did tug on the physicist’s bottom lip a bit with her teeth—the adorable little squeak Erin made was enough to get the engineer hyped up for more.

Erin pulled away before it could get too heated. The engineer let out a shaky breath. “I—”

“Holtzmann—“

“I’m hungry,” the engineer finished, grinning, dimples on full force. “Lunch first, making out second?”

Erin breathed a sigh of relief. “Lunch. Yes. That’s a good idea.” She went to get her coat and her purse. “Did you have anywhere in mind?”

“There’s an awesome little sandwich joint by Bryant Park. Untamed Sandwiches. You ever been there?” Erin shook her head. “Okay, well, we have to go.”

“How do you know all of these places?”

Holtzmann shrugged. “Been around here long enough, I guess. Each time I blow through here I try to go to a new place.”

In the elevator the engineer took Erin’s hand. Erin smiled and intertwined their fingers. Once they got to the restaurant, Holtzmann paid for both of their meals despite the good doctor’s protests.

“My treat,” Holtz said with a wink, handing over her card to the annoyed looking teller.

Once they sat down, coffee and sandwiches in hand, Erin had a question. “Holtz?”

“Yeah?”

Erin fiddled with the paper cover of her coffee cup. “Does…all of this mean you are cashing in your rain check? So to speak?”

Holtzmann paused, mouth half full of sandwich. She chewed, swallowed, and was quiet. “Um…that…was sort of how I intended it. I think.”

“You’ve made an exception to your long distance rule?”

The blonde shrugged. “It’s…only for another six months. And we’ll see each other in March so…it’s not like we aren’t seeing each other in those six months…?”

“If we get accepted to the conference.”

“Erin, I guarantee you you’ll get accepted to the conference.” Holtzmann was strangely serious for once. “You are a highly respected particle physicist—I’m certain you’ll get accepted.”

“I don’t like to count chickens before they hatch.”

“You like to plan, I know.” The engineer paused, then grinned and crooned, “But I never planned on someone like you?”

The physicist blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Newsies? Really? No reaction?”

Erin shook her head. “I was at Princeton when that show was on Broadway.”

“It was a good show,” Holtzmann defended. Her eyes darted away from Erin, over to the window, and a grin lit up her face. “It’s snowing!”

Erin followed her gaze and, sure enough, “So it is.”

“I’m one of those annoying people who love the snow.”

“You must have loved living in Boston last winter then.”

Holtzmann caught the reference and winked at her, then continued staring out the window. Erin, enchanted by her joy, was more than happy to watch her watch the snow fall.

.

.

.

After their late lunch the two women went for a bit of a walk. It was not really with anywhere in specific in mind; they just wandered. It was cold, but they chattered about physics and science, holding hands and darting into shops to warm up. Erin discovered that Holtzmann was a great fan of hate window shopping.

Finally, their wanderings brought them back to around Bryant Park. It was starting to get dark; the two huddled together under a copse of leafless trees and watched employees of the temporary ice rink try desperately to keep the falling snow off the rink so people could skate. At some point  Holtzmann got bored and pulled out her phone.

“…Holy shit.”

Erin glanced over at her. “What?”

The engineer practically started vibrating, bouncing up and down a little next to her, eyes glued to her phone.

“ _What?_ Holtzmann, what is it?”

Holtzmann turned the screen around to show Erin. “Bless Tesla’s sweet ghost ass, I just won the Hamilton lottery.”

_“What?!”_

“We’ve got an hour to get to the theatre to pick up the tickets.”

Erin stared at the phone, then at her, then smiled. “I’ve got a twenty.”

The engineer’s grin was electric. “Perfection! Lezgo!”

.

.

.

They stumbled out of the Richard Rogers theatre at little after eleven, flushed with the adrenaline that came after seeing an amazing show. Erin tugged Holtz down 46th, away from the pandemonium that was the stage door.

“Where we goin’, gorgeous?” Holtz asked playfully.

“To a place that sells the best cookies in the world. But it closes at midnight, so we have to hurry.”

“Lead the way.”

They ended up at a little store called Schmackary's, one block over and down from the theatre. Despite the cold and late hour there was a line out the door. Holtzmann looked duly impressed.

“I’ve heard of this place but didn’t think it worth the hype to try.”

Erin gave her a look. They joined the line. As they inched into the warmth they got a whiff of fresh baked cookies, chocolate, and coffee. It smelled like heaven.

“Oooh my god,” Holtzmann whispered, her eyes lighting up like Christmas morning as she scanned the board of cookie options—there were thirteen in all, which was far too many to choose from quickly.

“Pick three,” the physicist told her, getting out her wallet. “My treat.”

“What are you getting?”

“Chocolate chip, German chocolate, and caramel delight…and a hot chocolate.”

“Excellent choices.”

When Erin ordered Holtzmann tacked on another hot chocolate and set of funfetti, dirty peppermint, and green tea cookies. As they waited off to the side for their box, Holtzmann sidled up to her side and wrapped an arm around her waist.

“We gonna eat these here or take them home for later?”

“We’ll eat one here….we’ll see on the rest.” Erin smiled a little, her nose scrunching up a little. “They might not make it home….at least, mine won’t.”

Holtz laughed and tweaked her nose, then went to collect their box of cookies. They tried the green tea and german chocolate ones first; the engineer looked like she was having a religious experience the second the chocolate one touched her tongue.

“Thith is litherally the beth cookie I’ve ever had,” she said with her mouth full.

Erin smiled. When they finished their first cookies, Erin was yawning and even Holtzmann was looking a little drawn. They closed their box and slipped out of the store to head for the subway, walking hand in hand along the snowy sidewalk.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the amount of cute in this chapter killed you dead. That was the intention ;D Comments and kudos always make me a happy weasel :')


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Doctor Erin Gilbert woke with a rare, wild Jillian Holtzmann sprawled haphazardly over her and the left side of her bed (although, really, Holtzmann was mostly draped across her than the bed). She had discovered upon their late return that, predictably, Holtzmann was a cuddler. The engineer had latched herself to Erin the second they had slipped under the covers and had evidently deigned to not release her once they both actually feel asleep.

Erin tried to shift out from under her, but Holtz only nuzzled into her neck and wrapped her arm and leg more firmly around Erin’s torso and leg. Despite the inconvenience Erin could not help but smile.

“Good morning,” she murmured, carding a hand through the engineer’s curls. She had not had a chance to properly admire them the night before—they had both been too tired to do more than get ready for bed and fall asleep. Holtz had opted to pull out all of her bobby pins rapid-fire before slapping it all in a messy bun and crawling into bed. The bun had come half undone during the night and curls spilled haphazardly in all directions; Erin played with one as Holtz groaned and nuzzled further into her neck.

“The morning is _evil_.”

“Not used to looking at it from this side?”

Holtz made a noncommittal noise against her neck. Erin could only smile.

“Do you want breakfast?”

“No…don’t wanna move.”

“Well, I’m hungry.” Erin moved to pull away as gently as she could from Holtzmann’s limpet-like grip but the engineer grabbed her arm.

“Mmm. Wait.” She pulled away, got Erin’s attention, then kissed her. The physicist practically short circuited; they had not kissed again since their brief one in the living room the afternoon before. Erin was beginning to think that might have been a fluke or a break in Holtzmann’s resolve.

But this….this kiss was no fluke. It was firm but gentle, purposed in every way. Holtzmann’s callused hand came to cup her jaw as she lazily deepened it, thumb stroking over her cheekbone. Erin sighed happily into her mouth, her hand finding its way into the engineer’s hair as she pressed against her more firmly.

Finally, Holtzmann pulled away just enough to break their kiss but not enough to remove her warmth from Erin. The engineer licked her lips, smiled, and said, “Mmm, okay. Now it’s a good morning. Breakfast can happen now.”

Erin, distracted by the dimples this sudden smile produced, did not respond.

“Earth to Doctor Gilbert, come in Doctor Gilbert.”

“W-what?”

“Is breakfast a go or what?” the blonde asked, her dimples still on in full force.

“Mmm. Breakfast.”

“You are a mess. A giant bisexual mess.” Holtzmann grinned and booped her nose, then pulled away. She sat up, yawned, stretched, then got out of bed and stretched again. “C’mon, let’s go see what is available for eating in your fridge.”

Erin followed almost blindly. Holtzmann was clad only in an oversized shirt and boxers but damn if she did not pull it off as well as any outfit she ever had seen her in. The physicist was distracted by the significant amount of leg the engineer was currently displaying.

As Holtzmann rummaged through her fridge looking for breakfast ingredients Erin made a pot of coffee. By the time she was done Holtzmann had arranged the ingredients for French toast and scrambled eggs on her counter.

“Next time I’ll make you French toast with challah bread,” the engineer told Erin as she whisked eggs, milk, cinnamon, and vanilla extract together with a fork. “It’s not so great with whole wheat, but with challah bread? Religious experience on par with those cookies.”

“I take it you know from experience?”

“Hells yeah. I learned from the best.”

“And who was that?”

“My ex made this bomb dot com French toast with challah bread. I stole her recipe.”

While Holtzmann cooked the bread slices, Erin scrambled their eggs. They bumped around Erin’s tiny kitchen but eventually got everything made and on plates; Holtz lamented the lack of chocolate syrup in the physicist fridge.

“Chocolate syrup? On French toast?”

“Don’t knock it ‘till you try it. Caramel sauce is the best though. Mmm….” They ate at the tiny card table by the window that served as Erin’s dining room table; she did not have a dining room, only a living room, but nobody really came over anyway, so usually the card table would do. Erin spent most of breakfast admiring the way the light reflected in Holtzmann’s hair and how pensive she looked as they watched the world go by in snowy serenity below.

“You’re staring.”

Erin flushed. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s flattering.” Holtzmann took a gulp of coffee, than winked. “You like what you see?”

“Would I be staring otherwise?”

“Touché.” The blonde swirled her coffee in her cup, then took another sip. “I took you for the plant type.”

“…What?”

“You know. The kind to have a plant or two on the windowsill.”

“I’m got some in my bedroom.”

“Yeah, well… I thought you’d have more.” Holtz gestured at the empty windowsill beside them. “It’s empty and sad in here. Maybe your spider plant needs friends.”

“Do you have plants?”

The engineer scoffed. “Are you kidding? I kill everything I touch.”

Erin raised an eyebrow; she hardly believed that. “What about the chinchillas?”

“I have an automatic feeder set up for them. It lets me know when they are running low on water or nibbles….sends me a text.” At Erin’s expression, Holtz quickly added, “It rarely gets that far. I am not _that_ much in my head.”

“Mmhmm.”

“It’s just set up for when I go into long periods of work,” the engineer felt compelled to explain, looking somewhat anxious about it. “I’m not a bad chinchilla parent. I baby them within an inch of their furry lives, they get all the free time they want when I’m home I just—just, sometimes, I’m too wrapped up in a thing and forget to go home. I forget to feed myself on a regular basis sothe feeder.”

Erin recognized the tone; Holtz’s anxious way of talking when she was feeling exposed and unsure. She leaned over and squeezed Holtz’s hand. “I understand. I promise.”

The engineer offered her a slightly unsure smile; Erin squeezed again for good measure. The two of them looked at each other, quiet, measured, before nearly simultaneously looking away back out the window. The sky over the city was overcast and grey, but the city itself seemed to almost glow with the snow on its rooftops. People bustled by below, car horns honked; despite the cold and the grey it was business as usual in New York City.

“Sooo,” Holtzmann said after a time, her voice returned to its usual cadence and inflection. “Did you have a plan for today or what?”

“A bit of one,” Erin hedged, remembering what the engineer had said about having plans. “It’s…open to modifications, though.”

“My favorite kind.” Holtzmann winked at her and sipped her coffee. “What’s on the docket, doc?”

“Um…” Erin let go of the engineer’s hand and played with her fork, hiding behind her bangs a bit. “I was thinking…about the Tenement Museum? I’ve been meaning to go…”

“Sure, I haven’t been there.”

“And then...lunch, somewhere? And then the Strand? Which is by my work.”

Holtz looked thoughtful. “I know a cute place near there…if you don’t mind vegan food?”

“That sounds nice.” The physicist smiled. “It’s nice having you here.”

The engineer dimpled softly at her then pushed back the card table, collecting their empty plates. “Shall we?”

“Mmm.”

-/-

“What time does your bus leave tomorrow?”

They two scientists were sitting on Erin’s couch in the dim light from the overhead light, reading from the books they had bought at the Strand. The physicist had bought several mystery novels and Holtzmann had bought an engineering book and a book of queer poetry. While the choices were so completely opposite in subject matter, Erin could not help but think they were also both so clearly Holtzmann.

Said engineer was curled up at one end of Erin’s couch, toes tucked under her legs, chewing on the temple tip of her yellow-tinted glasses as she read. Erin noticed that she squinted as she read, and periodically her nose would scrunch up at something in the text; it was possibly the cutest thing she had ever seen. Holtz was also a very engaged reader; she was so completely engrossed in her book that she did not register Erin’s initial question.

So Erin tried again. “Holtz…?”

“…Hmm?”

“What times does your bus leave tomorrow?”

“Mmmm, two.” The engineer pulled the temple tip of her glasses out of her mouth and gave Erin her full attention. “Why?”

“Well, it’s almost eleven…”

“Why, Dr. Gilbert, are you trying to force me into a regular sleeping schedule?” The engineer teased, then she winked. “Or are you imply that it is time for something else?”

Erin pinked and averted her gaze. An awkward silence hung between them; the engineer’s innuendo, while before might have been simply flirtatious, now carried a heavier implication. As the silence stretched out Holtzmann’s seemed to understand her blunder.

“Uh…look I’m not…trying to pressure you into sex, okay?” Her voice was somewhat halting. “I would never but you don’t…especially since we’re…sort of…you know?”

“I know…” Erin sighed and stood. “I’m going to get ready for bed, okay? You can stay up as late as you want.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, just don’t make too much noise coming to bed.”

“Okay...”

Erin slipped away into her bedroom and left Holtzmann to her book. She showered, changed for bed, and slipped under the covers. She could hear Holtz turning pages in the living room, barely audible over the sounds of the ducts and the distant din of the city. The mix of noises was soothing and despite her reservations she soon found herself falling asleep.

She was halfway into unconsciousness when she heard Holtz slip into the room. There was opening and closing of the bathroom door, then rustle of clothing and the depression of the bed beside her as Holtzmann crawled in. The engineer’s arm circled around her waist, her front pressed firmly into Erin’s back. The physicist relaxed back into her, letting the warmth of the grad student’s body and the evenness of her breath lull her into sleep.

-/-

Goodbye was harder than Erin thought. She walked Holtz to her bus after brunch and was startled to find herself in tears when it was time for the engineer to actually get on the bus. Holtzmann saw and wiped the tears from her cheeks with her thumb.

“This is why I hate long distance,” the engineer said thickly, looking at the ground.

Erin remembered that Holtzmann was not good with emotions and tried to compose herself. She took a shaky breath and said, “Text me when you get home safe.”

“I will.” Holtzmann kissed her gently and Erin drew her close, not wanting to let go. Eventually the engineer pulled away. “Gotta bounce, EG….”

“I know...be safe.”

“I’ll do my best.” Holtzmann gave her another kiss then got onto the bus. She paused on the stairs to give Erin a saucy wink before she handed the driver her phone to scan. She disappeared into the back of the bus, but Erin stood in the cold January air until the bus pulled away.

-/-

“How was your weekend with Holtzmann?” Abby asked as Erin poured coffee into her favorite mug in the office the next Monday.  

“Fine,” the physicist replied almost stiffly, adding cream and sugar to mitigate the bitter potency of Abby’s favorite brewing method.

Abby frowned from the papers she was pouring over when Erin had arrived. “Just fine?”

“No…” Erin sighed. “No it was amazing. Fantastic!” She paused, sounding bitter. Abby waited for the inevitable explosive elaborate. And elaborate Erin did.

“We saw Hamilton! We walked the city and ate at so many great places and we went to the Strand and she got so cute over the queer books and—and—and—” Erin turned around, coffee sloshing dangerously as she gesticulated. Then she stomped her foot. “It’s ridiculous that I miss her already!”

She took a deep breath, trying to calm down, but it came out shutter-y. Mortified, she exclaimed, “Long distance was such a bad idea.”

“Okay, maybe we just—” Abby came over and took the coffee mug from her, putting it on the table. “Maybe we sit down? Talk about it?”

Erin nodded, suddenly tearful; Abby took her elbow and guided her into a chair. A box of tissues materialized on the table and the physicist took one gratefully. Abby sat beside her and patted her back as she blew her nose.

“I just…she’s so great and I’m just—”

“Don’t you dare go down that line of reasoning, Erin Gilbert,” Abby warned. “You deserve happiness, and let me tell you, you’ve smiled more in the past three and a half months than you did with that year with Phil. He didn’t do you any favors by the way.”

“Phil is a completely different—“

“Story, yes, I know… But overall you need someone who makes you happy, and Holtzmann makes you happy, doesn’t she?”

“…Yes.”

“You’ve only got a month and a half ‘til you see her again, which is shorter than between when you saw her last. Right?”

“Right…”

“So it’ll be okay. You’ll see your girl again, it’s not like she’s dead.”

Erin sniffled and rubbed the tears from her cheeks. “You’re right…”

“Of course I’m right, I’m always right.”

The physicist gave a water-y chuckle. “Thanks, Abby…”

“Of course,” Abby said kindly. “What are best friends for?”

-/-

**_February_ **

-/-

The new semester started up; Erin for once, was not teaching Introductory Physics. She was instead teaching two graduate classes and an upper level senior seminar; she was grateful for both, even though they left her with a lot of work to grade, even with TAs.

She was thankful in general for the new semester. It let her return to routine and order, and letting herself get sucked back into teaching and research provided a welcome distraction from how much she missed Holtzmann. The world was awfully empty without the engineer at her side, gently flirting with her and making snide commentary on life as it passed them by.

Thankfully, they still had communication. They texted regularly, and attempted to Skype or talk on the phone at least once a week. Holtzmann was trying, which was incredibly flattering to Erin. The engineer had only dropped off the face of the planet without warning once in the three weeks since their unexpected NYC rendezvous. Holtz had received a gentle reprimand from Erin upon her return, but Erin had been less angry than intended when Holtzmann had reemerged with three more completed chapters of her thesis and two working prototypes.

Erin was lucky Holtzmann was trying at all; on top of being in the last stretch of her thesis, Holtzmann had been stuck with teaching an undergraduate physics class…solo. She had forgone assigning the students homework in hope that it would give her less to grade, but she would still have to turn over a hundred and fifty exams in a week, four different times during the semester.

Erin, having been in the exact same situation once, was sympathetic…but also thought it was hilarious. So when she received a text in the middle of her Thursday lecture, she let it go unanswered until she dismissed class. Holtzmann taught the class in a time block that directly conflicted with hers, so whenever someone texted her during the Thursday graduate student class, she assumed it was Holtz.

Sure enough, when Erin checked it on her way back to her office, she was unsurprised to find a string of messages from Holtzmann complaining about her freshman.

 

 _Holtz <3: Teaching Freshman whyyyyyy_  
_Holtz <3: Some kid literally asked what V stood for after I just finished explaining about velocity_  
_Holtz <3: Also caught some kid cheating on his quiz_  
_Holtz <3: so now, disciplinary report instead of prototyping_  
_Holtz <3: s i g h_  
_Erin Gilbert: :/_  
_Erin Gilbert: You can’t teach them all._  
_Erin Gilbert: You get a questioner every semester._  
_Holtz <3: That one kid has literally asked a stupid question every lecture since we started_  
_Erin Gilbert: Does he text in class?_  
_Holtz <3: no he just doesn’t pay attention >(_  
_Erin Gilbert: He’ll either turn it around or fail out after the second exam._  
_Erin Gilbert: …or he’ll misguidedly try to muscle through the entire semester and torment you from semester start to semester end._  
_Holtz <3: SPARE ME_

 

-/-

 

 _Holtz <3: Gorin lab got accepted to the conference :D_  
_Erin Gilbert: Oh._  
_Holtz <3: ….did you….not get in?_  
_Erin Gilbert: No_  
_Holtz <3: Shit…._  
_Holtz <3: I’m sorry, Erin that really sucks_  
_Holtz <3: I’m sure they just didn’t have room for your brilliance_  
_Holtz <3: You’re still welcome to come over that weekend_  
_Holtz <3: I can blow out of the conference asap and then do things with you_  
_Holtz <3: …Erin? It’s been three hours._  
_Holtz <3: Can I get something?_  
_Erin Gilbert: Sorry, I was teaching._  
_Erin Gilbert: That all sounds nice, Holtz, but…_  
_Erin Gilbert: …Just kidding._  
_Erin Gilbert: I got accepted : )_  
_Holtz <3: SHUT UP_  
_Holtz <3: DID YOU JUST_  
_Holtz <3: ERIN GILBERT!_  
_Holtz <3: YOU LITTLE SHIT!_  
_Holtz <3: You’re the worst <3_  
_Erin Gilbert: <3 ?_  
_Holtz <3: <3_  
_Holtz <3: So you’re coming?_  
_Erin Gilbert: Of course._  
_Erin Gilbert: I have to see what the university will pay for._  
_Erin Gilbert: Look at train tickets, etc…_  
_Holtz <3: :D_  
_Holtz <3: Let me know how long you want to stay so I can clear it with my roomies_  
_Holtz <3: (Who are super excited to meet you, btw)_  
_Erin Gilbert: You talk about me to your roomies?_  
_Holtz <3: They want to know who got me to talk on the phone_  
_Holtz <3: when I can’t even call in prescriptions lmao_  
_Erin Gilbert: Haha_  
_Erin Gilbert: Can I get back to you?_  
_Holtz <3: Of course._  
_Erin Gilbert: Great. : )_

 

-/-

Erin walked into her office the next week to find an orchid waiting for her.

“Your girlfriend sent you flowersssss,” Abby sing songed from her desk, looking smug. “Well, a flower, singular.”

“How do you know it was Holtz?” the physicist asked, going over and touching the petals gently. She had never seen a red orchid before—it was stunning.

“Glanced at the card when it was delivered.”

Erin noticed for the first time that there was a card attached. She pulled it free and read it.

_For your living room window. – Holtz_

The physicist laughed, remembering how the engineer had thought her spider plants should have a friend. She took her phone out of her purse and took a picture of the orchid, than sent it to Holtzmann.  

_Erin Gilbert: It’s beautiful, thank you <3_

She did not get a response until later that night. She had carefully brought the orchid home on the subway and it now resided in her living room. The red of the petals brightened the room up nicely. She was sitting on her couch, eating dinner, when Holtzmann.

 

 _Holtz <3: Glad you like it_  
_Erin Gilbert: It’s a little late, though. Valentine’s Day was last week. :P_  
_Holtz <3: I know :/_  
_Holtz <3: My florist was back ordered_  
_Holtz <3: Sorry_  
_Erin Gilbert: It’s okay. : ) It’s the thought that counts, and I love it. : )_  
_Erin Gilbert: Although I didn’t think you were the flower-sending type._  
_Holtz <3: I’m full of surprises :P_  
_Erin Gilbert: So you are._  
_Erin Gilbert: Gorin kicked you out to eat dinner?_  
_Holtz <3: Nah, I’m heading in now_  
_Holtz <3: Spent today cleaning the tribble cage_  
_Erin Gilbert: Procrastinating?_  
_Holtz <3: Maybe :P_  
_Holtz <3: Okay I’m at the lab, g2g_  
_Holtz <3: G’night, Er Bear._  
_Erin Gilbert: Goodnight, Holtz : )_

 

-/-

**_March_ **

-/-

“Sweet Tesla why are they so duuuuumb,” Holtzmann groaned, her voice garbled a bit by the speakers on Erin’s computer. They were having a Skype date; the two of them were spending their Saturday night complaining to each other about grading. Holtzmann was grading her class’ first set of exams; Erin was doing similar, but with graduate student exams.

By about the fifth exam Erin had broken out the wine. Holtzmann, who had about ten times as many exam to grade, was steadily working her way through two six packs of fancy root beer. She might not be getting steadily drunker like Erin was, but she was pushing nearly three days without sleep and was getting in turn giddy and grouchy as a result. Right now, she was grouchy.

“I literally asked what velocity was when a rocket stops moving under gravity and is about to free fall. It’s zero. I said it like fifty times in class. Only like half of them got it right!”

Dramatically Holtzmann flopped off screen and let out another dramatic groan. Without her on screen, the disembodied noise sounded more like a dying cow than a frustrated graduate student.

Erin failed in her attempts to keep from laughing. “It’ll be okay, Holtz. They’ll learn.”

Holtzmann made another garbled noise of disgruntlement from off screen.

“You’re ridiculous,” the physicist said with a smile.

“You know it.”

-/-

 

 _Erin Gilbert: University finally got me the money for travel._  
_Erin Gilbert: So I bought my train tickets for the conference : )_  
_Holtz <3: !!!_  
_Erin Gilbert: Traveling on Tuesday morning, getting in just after noon. Leaving on Sunday night at eight._  
_Holtz <3: :D_  
_Erin Gilbert: Can you pick me up at south station?_  
_Holtz <3: You got it, pretty lady ;)_  
_Erin Gilbert: : )_  
_Erin Gilbert: I can’t wait to see you._  
_Holtz <3: : ) <3_

 

-/-

Erin found herself panicking slightly over her packing. Not only was she packing for the conference, she was also packing for _Holtzmann_. Or, rather, packing for spending time with Holtzmann. She had already shaved her legs and plucked her eyebrows, gotten a manicure…she just had to decide what to wear.

Erin had shaved and plucked and polished partially for the conference, partially because it made her feel empowered. She was not sure how to dress to be with Holtzmann. Did she need the confidence and safety that came with blouses and bowties…or was she comfortable enough to let down her guard and ditch her academic armor for t-shirts, jeans, and hoodies?

If it were anybody but Holtzmann, she’d be careful. She’d wear another round; this was, technically, only their fourth date. But she was already so at ease around the engineer that she was not worried about if Holtzmann would judge her for her clothing choices. She already had made it clear that she was more amused by her tweed than disgusted…so maybe she understood.

Finally, she decided to be brave; Holtzmann seemed to bring that out in her. Erin packed enough casual clothing for the week, a tweed skirt suit and bowtied shirt for each day of the conference, and her best dress…just in case. She packed all the other essentials in around them, then zipped the suitcase closed with a sense of finality.

-/-

 Erin’s heart was in her throat as her train pulled into Boston. She had been on edge since she left her apartment at seven that morning, a nervous anxiety that she had finally (guiltily) quelled with a Xanax an hour into the trip. It was just Holtzmann. She was excited to see her, wanted to see her more than anything, so why was she so anxious?

She had tried to read a few of the academic articles she had saved especially for the trip, but even with the Xanax her nerves were fried. She’d tried to nap, but no dice. Finally, she’d just given up and played round after round of Candy Crush on her phone until the conductor to South Street Station.

Erin switched over to her messenger application.  

 

 _Erin Gilbert: We’re almost at the station._  
_Holtz <3: Cool. I’ll be waiting at the Starbucks : )_  
_Holtz <3: Chai latte ?_  
_Erin Gilbert: Please._

 

The train stopped and finally she disembarked. She took a moment on the platform to orient herself, then started for the station; her heart was still racing a mile a minute. She walked from the relatively calm platform into the cavernous station, full of people and kiosks and a cacophony of sounds, and looked around. Through the sea of humanity, it was hard to see anybody, but finally, she spotted the telltale wild poof of blonde hair that could only belong to her girlfriend. The engineer was waiting at one of the Starbucks tables, looking at something on her phone and fidgeting with the cardboard sleeve of one of two Grande Starbucks drinks.

Erin headed for her. “Holtz!”

The engineer looked up, spotted her, and grinned. She was up and across the station before Erin could scarcely blink, sweeping her into a crushing embrace. Erin let go of her suitcase and hugged back.

“Hi,” she said breathily into Holtzmann’s hair.

“Hi yourself,” was the engineer’s response before she pulled back and planted a firm kiss on Erin’s lips. The physicist savored that first kiss, burying her hands in Holtzmann’s hair, and let herself get lost in the comfortable, familiar warmth that was Jillian Holtzmann. Her luggage and the coffees on the station table were completely forgotten as the two kissed a second time, then a third, and a forth, drinking in each other’s physical presence and not wanting to let go even for a moment.            

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to extend the long distance angst, but I decided that would be cruel. Thanks, as always, to holtzbabe for beta-ing the thing. Comments and kudos make me a happy weasel. Let me know what you think!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.breakersapthomes.com/uploads/c1771_The_Rivera_Floor_Plan_478675_121411152146.jpg 
> 
> This is the reference plan I used for Holtzmann's duplex in the fic. The loft is extended into a bedroom, which is Holtz's room. At some point in the future, I might draw up some plans for it. Enjoy the chapter!

**Chapter 6**

“It’s not much, and it’s kind of a zoo, but it’s home,” Holtzmann said almost nervously as she fussed with her keys at the door. They had taken the red line of the T out to the Davis stop, walked a few blocks, and arrived at the slightly grubby low rise apartment Holtzmann and three others called home.

“I’m sure it’s fine.”

Holtz offered her a little smiled, then found the right key, and opened the door. A small dog immediately lost its mind inside; Erin started, but Holtzmann just rolled her eyes. She intercepted the rocket of brown and beige fur with practiced ease, hauling the very territorial Australian Silky Terrier into her arms and carrying it into the kitchen so Erin could come inside.

“Don’t mind him. Mike Hat is an idiot. A sweet idiot, but an idiot…kind of like his owner.”

Erin dragged her suitcase into the tiny living room warily. “What sort of name is Mike Hat?”

Holtzmann gave her a look that said it was best she did not ask. She set Mike Hat down, and after he rocketed the tiny kitchen and living room in turn, he immediately headed over to Erin and her suitcase for a good sniff. Erin held still under the intense dog scrutiny.

“Don’t like dogs?” Holtz asked, an eyebrow raised, amusement written all over her features.

“It’s more like dogs don’t like me.”

“Ah. Shall I banish him to his crate?”

“No, it’s okay.” Erin took a breath and looked around, distracting herself from Mike Hat. The The apartment looked suitably well lived in, an eclectic mish-match of the four people who lived there. There was artwork on the walls (watercolors, and a landscape) and what looked like a deconstructed radio on the coffee table; the entertainment system was loaded with game console and cases, neatly divided with games on one vertical tower and movies on the other. The kitchen counter was covered in bread sleeves and containers of various sundry sandwich materials, and the small nook off the kitchen had a table squeezed into it with plants in the window. A door off the kitchen led into the unknown, presumably a bedroom. But was it Holtzmann’s?

The engineer in question watched her take the apartment in, chewing on her bottom lip, waiting for judgement but too nervous to ask for it. When it never came she asked, “Want to—upstairs? Suitcase?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

Holtzmann grinned and came over, hauling the suitcase up and over the baby gate that blocked Mike Hat from the upstairs. Erin followed. There were two bedrooms upstairs; Holtzmann’s was the one to the right of the landing. Erin walked in and instantly recognized the futon by the window; she had seen Holtzmann Skype from it innumerable times. She also recognized the giant cage that dominated the wall by the window; four chinchillas watched them enter from various levels of the obviously hand-constructed multi-story complex.

“Mommy’s home,” Holtzmann crooned at her babies as she hauled Erin’s suitcase onto the futon before she reached down and opened the cage. She closed the door to her room, then sat on the futon as one by one, the chinchillas made their way out of their cage.

Erin stood in the middle of the room, transfixed; there was too much in the room for Erin to look over at once. She wanted to lie on the bed in the corner and see if it smelled like Holtzmann; she wanted to look through Holtz’s bookshelves for familiar titles, and for new ones so she could read them on the subway. She wanted to inspect the collection of yellow-tinted goggles and glasses that hung off the side of the thick wooden bookshelves by nails, and more than anything she wanted to go over to Holtzmann’s desk and pour over the various blueprints and notes sheets that were scattered there.

She didn’t do any of that, though. Instead, she just sunk slightly weakly onto the futon besides Holtzmann and sighed.

The engineer looked at her, partly curious, partly concerned. “Okay?”

“Mmmm.”

Holtz hesitated, then said cautiously, “Well?”

“Well what?”

“…What do you think?”

Erin finished taking in the posters and fairy lights that covered the walls by Holtzmann’s bed and turned to her with a smile. “It’s very you.”

The engineer grinned and picked up a chinchilla—Ada, Erin thought—and placed it in her lap. “Have a tribble.”

Erin smiled again and leaned against her while stroking the fluffy brown creature in her lap. “She’s so soft.”

“Isn’t she? It’s the best.” Holtz sunk a bit lower into the futon and let out a noise of contentment. “I love spring break. I should be teaching a class right now, but I’m not and it’s gloooorious!”

Erin laughed. “Did you get your grading done?” Holtzmann had been attempting to finish grading exams while Erin was on the train.

“Mmm, yeah. Class average was a seventy-nine, which is honestly not awful.”

“Mmm, no, not at all.” Erin’s freshman class averages generally hovered in the sixties.

“I haven’t imputed them but I’ll do that Sunday.” Holtzmann looked over at her. “Did you want to…do something? Go somewhere today?”

“Not really.”

The engineer grinned. “Eeeexcellent. I can implement Plan Q then.”

Erin raised an eyebrow. “Plan Q? I thought you didn’t plan.”

“I’ve had a month and a half. Are you hungry?”

The physicist realized that she was indeed quite hungry; it had been hours since she had eaten breakfast, and the chai latte at the station had not done much to fill her up. She nodded.”

Holtzmann scrambled up from the futon and offered her her hands. “To the kitchen!”

Erin gently scooped Ada off her lap and set her down, then accepted Holtz’s hand; the engineer hauled her off the futon and took her hand. Despite the fact it was almost three o’clock she asked, “What’s for lunch?”

“The most bomb grilled cheese sandwich I can muster. Are we okay with mushrooms?”

“They’re fine.”

Holtzmann’s smile was electric. She dragged her downstairs, which started Mike Hat off again, and handed her off at the bar. Erin took a seat while the grad student bustled around the kitchen, pulling different ingredients out of the fridge and tossing them on the kitchen.

“Can I help in any way?”

“Mmm, I got it.”

“Kitchen is a bit small for two, anyway,” Erin said a bit awkwardly.

Holtzmann nodded and pulled her phone out of her pocket, attaching it to a bluetooth speaker and pressing play. An eighties dance remix came on, and the engineer immediately started bo-bopping around as she started to cook. Erin watched her dance with a knife with some trepidation.

“This is something I listened to when I was in high school,” she said, trying to distract Holtzmann enough to get her to stop waving the knife around.

Holtz responded without missing a beat as she chopped peppers. “I always forget you’re old.”

_“Excuse me?”_

The engineer looked up and winked at her, indicating she had been teasing, then reached out with a slice of sweet green pepper. Erin realized it was a peace offering and she was meant to take it; she did so and nibbled at it. Holtz tipped mushrooms and onions into a pan with oil, letting it cook as she chopped the rest of the peppers into tiny bits.

“What do you listen to?” Holtz asked as she chopped.

“Are you going to call me old again?”

“Nope.”

“Well…I listen to seventies and eighties to relax…classical if I need something on when I’m working.”

Holtzmann nodded and poked the contents of the frying pan.

“What about you? Just 80s?”

Before Holtzmann could respond a track from the musical Fun Home started playing over the speaker. The engineer grinned. “It’s on shuffle. Does that answer your question?”

“Showtunes and 80s music?”

“All kinds of stuff. I’m not picky.” Holtzmann slid the green pepper bits into the frying pan then passed her phone over to Erin. “Go ahead, take a looksee.”

Erin scrolled; Holtzmann had the most eclectic and varied taste in music she had even seen. Everything from metal and to synthpop was represented in her music library. She saw something that made her laugh. “Austin Longue Lizards?”

“They are a satire folk rock band.”

Erin looked through their music, becoming increasingly bemused by the song titles. _Love In A Refrigerator Box, The Drugs I Need,_ and _Jesus Loves Me (But He Can’t Stand You)_ were only some of the offerings. “What on earth…?”

Holtzmann looked up expectantly from where she was poking at the grilled cheese sandwiches in the griddle; her eyes were twinkling. “What do you think?”

“I think it’s weird…wonderfully weird, but weird.”

“Wait until you listen to it.”

Ten minutes later the two of them were hunched over the dining room table, listening to the Austin Lounge Lizards and eating mushroom-mozzerella-pepper grilled cheese sandwiches. Erin was doing more listening than eating, despite how hungry she was.

“ _Bust The High School Students_?” she parroted incredulously as the newest tune came over the little speaker.

Holtzmann winked. “It was the first song of theirs I’d ever heard. My bunk mate sung it under her breath for a month when I first was assigned to be her roomie. She thought it was hilarious.”

It took Erin a second to realize Holtzmann was talking about her time in prison. “Oh….did you get all your eclectic music taste from prison?”

“Nah. The rest came from the halfway house.” The engineer grinned at her, but at the look on Erin’s face she quickly added, “I didn’t actually go to a halfway house. I didn’t qualify. A friend from the city picked me up and I stayed with her for a little bit until I reconciled enough with my family that I was allowed home.”

“You didn’t reconcile with them while in prison?”

“They only visited twice a year: New Years and my birthday…most of that was my mom crying.”

“Why?”

Holtzmann wrinkled her nose. “Long drive from Mill Run to Brooklyn, or so they said.”

“But that’s—what? Only five hours?”

“Six.” The engineer stood up and collected their dishes, putting them in the sink before grabbing her phone. She changed the music to something else Erin did not recognize. The electropop beat was very different from the guitars and ironic use of banjo she had just been listening to; Erin realized the conversation was over.

.

.

.

The trip from New York to Boston had taken more out of Erin than she realized. Collectively the two scientists decided to stay in for the rest of the day. They spent the afternoon on the couch and watched a movie: Pacific Rim, which Holtzmann insisted Erin see after learning she had not. So they watched Pacific Rim or, rather, Erin watched Pacific Rim. Holtzmann fiddled with the bits of radio on the coffee table. Erin got repeatedly distracted by Holtzmann’s fiddling; she watched, fascinated, as Holtzmann used a miniature soldering iron to disconnect wires from one part and then reconnect them on another. The distraction made it so Erin missed multiple important plot points, and therefore the movie, despite the amazing graphics, was rather lost on her as just another action film.

At half past five the door opened and Erin was introduced Holtzmann’s bumbling roomie Kevin; Erin, despite being now rather firmly romantically involved with the engineer, got a little tongue tied around the Australian…at least, until Kevin’s boyfriend Chet came home from work.

“He’s gay?” she whispered to Holtzmann as Kevin went to shower and Chet disappeared after him.

“Gay, pretty, and tended the bar at the best gay bar in Boston….until he got fired. He made an okay cocktail, but all the tips came from the fact he bartended in a thong.”

“Oh.”

“Erin. Earth to Erin. Kevin is gay….and dumb as a box of rocks.”

The physicist sighed and mumbled something very akin to ‘shame’ under her breath. Holtzmann decided to be amused rather than anxious. Her girlfriend was an adorable bisexual.

 Dinner, made by Chet, was served when Holtzmann’s final roommate, Jennifer, arrived home from her final teaching engagement of the night at Harvard. All five of them did not fit around the dining table so they ate in the living room, seated on whatever could be pulled up. Mike Hat was into everything, begging for bits of dinner while Kevin told an animated, wildly exaggerated, and probably also wildly inaccurate story about something that had apparently happened that morning at the modeling agency he worked for.

Every once and a while Erin caught her girlfriend and Jennifer exchanging eyebrow traffic and exasperated looks, and figured this must be a regular occurrence at group meals. Erin suddenly understood why Holtzmann spent most of her time shut up in the lab.

After dinner a Mario Kart tournament broke out between Chet, Kevin, and Holtzmann. Jennifer made her escape upstairs to her room, and Erin quickly followed suit, citing travel exhaustion.

“I’ll be up after this next race,” Holtzmann promised. “Make yourself comfy on my bed.”

“Take your time.”

Erin carefully let herself into Holtzmann’s room, careful not to catch any chinchillas in the door swing or her footfalls. She changed into her pajamas and drifted over to Holtzmann’s bookshelves, looking for something to read. There was a series of medicine bottles lined up on one of the shelves; despite herself, Erin looked at their labels. Two prescription bottles, one of Zoloft and one of Singulair, and then bottles of multi-vitamins, Vitamin D, an over the counter antihistamine, and melatonin. The bottle of melatonin was still capped in plastic and looked like it had been untouched for some time, if the dust on its cap was any indication.

Erin picked a book at random from the shelf and filed away the medicinal information. Holtzmann had asthma, and took an anti-depressant. Considering her poor diet and nocturnal schedule, the multivitamins and Vitamin D made sense. But what about the antihistamine? Did it go with her asthma medication, or had it replaced the melatonin as a sleep aid?

“That’s a good one.”

Erin started at Holtzmann’s voice. She had slipped into the room without her noticing, and currently was stripped down to her bra and pants. Erin’s mouth went a little dry. “Wh-what?”

Holtz gestured at the book the physicist was holding. “Zami is excellent.”

Erin looked down at it; the cover was bright orange. She must have reached for it subconsciously. She turned it over to read the back cover, but Holtzmann came over and wrapped her arms around her middle. She nuzzled Erin’s neck and the bare skin of her arm’s pressed against Erin’s, effectively ending any and all concentration the physicist had on the words.

“Bedtime?”

“Mmmm…bed.”

Holtzmann laughed, then pulled away. She gave Erin’s butt a little playful swat, then winked at her and went to put the chinchillas away for the night. Erin, flushed crimson, crawled into bed. Holtz checked the chinchilla cage door carefully before pulling on a night shirt, removing her bra, and turning off the lights.

Erin discovered that Holtz had nightlights. One glowed in most every exposed outlet.

“Don’t judge me,” Holtz warned, clambering over Erin in bed and wedging herself between her girlfriend and the wall.

“I’m not,” Erin said softly. She reached over and cupped the engineer’s face before gently kissing her.  Holtzmann trembled gently beneath her touch and quickly the two became entwined, cuddling, kissing, and touching away months of anxieties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Austin Lounge Lizards are a real thing. Seriously, google any of the songs in the chapter and give them a listen. They are weird as hell, but I love them, and I thought Holtzmann would, too!
> 
> I kept this chapter until I was sure where I was going with Chapter 7. Since I am now sure where Chapter 7 is going (the planning/starting of which was significantly derailed by the election), and since everyone has been waiting very, very patiently for this chapter, so I thought I'd give you guys a thing before I disappear into finals hell. I'm really, really appreciative of all the love everyone has given this fic but please, please remember that I am a student first, partner to my girlfriend second, and a writer for fandom third. I love writing, and I love this fandom, but I am a human being with needs and life requirements and not a fanfic writing machine and I'm not sorry about it!
> 
> Like I said before, I'm about to disappear into finals hell, so this will be the last update of this fic until probably around Christmastime. I hope you enjoyed it! Wish me luck for charrette week and then finals week after it--I'll need it! See everyone on the other side. :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Erin was not used to sleeping with someone else; her body woke her up half a dozen times during the night, despite being quite comfortable enveloped both literally and figuratively by Jillian Holtzmann. The bed smelled overwhelmingly like the engineer, musky and smoky, and the engineer herself was just as prone to cuddling in her own bed as she had been in Erin’s. Holtzmann also slept like a log; every time Erin rolled over and readjusted herself that night, the blonde barely stirred. Somehow, though, Holtzmann always found her again in her sleep to cuddle.

At eight the claxon alarm on Holtzmann’s phone blared; Erin jumped, startled out of her sleep. Holtzmann jumped, too, then quickly scrambled over her girlfriend and out of bed. She fished about in her room, swearing, looking for her phone. She finally found it on the futon.

She poked at it blearily until the alarm turned off, then went to her desk and plugged the phone in to charge. Erin sat up, assuming they were going to get up, but Holtzmann promptly returned to bed.

“Aren’t you going to get up?” Erin asked, amused and endeared as the engineer nuzzled into her neck and curled a pale, scared arm around the physicist’s middle.

Holtzmann grunted and pressed a lazy kiss behind her ear in response; Erin’s breath hitched, and she felt Holtzmann grin against her skin.

“Did I find your weak spot, Gilbert?”

Erin grumbled intelligibly. The engineer laughed and continued to kiss down her jawline, transferring to her neck when it became clear Erin was not going to stop her. The physicist sighed softly as Holtz’s hand slipped unconsciously under her shirt to stroke her side; she practically melted into her touch.

The engineer pulled away after a bit and elevated onto her elbow; Erin’s hair was a bird’s nest on the pillow, and there were bags under her eyes, but she was smiling softly and looking up at Holtz through half-lidded eyes.

The blonde felt her heart skip a beat. “Doin’ okay down there?”

“Mmm...” Erin’s fingers traced lightly on Holtzmann’s forearm. “You’re very good at that.”

Holtz couldn’t help herself; she winked and said, “That’s not the only thing I’m good at.”

Erin flushed all the way down to her chest. Then her stomach growled.

The engineer laughed. “For another time, I think, though. Would the lovely lady be interested in breakfast before we begin our grand Bostonian tour?”

The physicist nodded. “Yes please.”

“To the kitchen, then!” Holtz got up and offered her a hand; Erin took it, and the engineer hauled her off the bed, then dragged her downstairs to cook her breakfast.

-/-

Erin had not been to Boston in years, so after breakfast she and Holtzmann rode the T downtown and spent the day downtown. They walked the Boston Common, then toured through the Public Gardens. Holtzmann made a lot of snarky commentary the whole time.

 (“There he is,” she had said at one point, pointing at the statue of George Washington that dominated horizontal axis of the public garden. “The man, the myth, the unparalleled macho manifestation of all things patriotism…save Captain America. I think Cap trumps Washington there, right? I mean, he wears tights _and_ the stars and stripes, all in one—why are you shaking your head? _What do you mean you’ve never seen a Marvel movie?! Erin!_ ”).

 They ate lunch at a nearby French restaurant; Erin discovered when they ordered that Holtzmann loved oysters.

“I know they look like snot, but a little garlic and butter and they are the best shit ever,” the engineer said seriously after the waiter had come to take their menus away.

“I didn’t even know you liked them.”

“I don’t get them often.” The graduate student shrugged. “They’re expensive.”

“How’d you first taste them?”

Holtzmann swirled the straw in her soda contemplatively. “Gorin got me hooked on them at some shindig we went to once.”

Erin wondered when she would meet the elusive Dr. Gorin. She had not yet had the pleasure, but she had reach much of her large body of work, and mentions of her peppered her daily conversations with Holtzmann. Dr. Gorin seemed like such a large part of Holtzmann’s life that Erin could not imagine not meeting her at some point. She was nervous, though—Dr. Gorin seemed to have become a secondary parent sort of figure to Holtz.  Holtzmann spent the holidays at Gorin’s instead of going back to Mill Run. Furthermore, Gorin seemed to be Holtzmann’s voice of reason, both  in the lab and in her life.

So meeting Dr. Gorin, Erin thought, would be akin to meeting Holtzmann’s mother. _That_ made her even more nervous.

What would Dr. Gorin think of her? What if she disapproved? She did not think that she could handle disapproval from the engineer’s mother-mentor figure.

“Er?” Holtzmann’s voice cut through Erin’s sudden bout of anxieties. “You still with me?”

“What?”

“You got all cloudy eyed and distant.” The engineer looked concerned. Erin could not help but feel touched. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Erin fussed with the cutlery. “Just…thinking.”

Holtzmann leaned an elbow on the pristine white table cloth and rested her chin in her hand. “About what?”

“It’s nothing. What were you saying earlier, in the park, about your presentation for the conference?” Erin was a master of deflection. If Holtz noticed, she said nothing. Instead she just launched into rattling off her annoyances about the Google Slides presentation her coworkers had been putting together (or attempting to put together) for the last month.

Erin watched her talk with a fond smile, trying to her ignore her anxiety.

-/-

“Do you want to see the lab?” Holtzmann asked abruptly as they sat on the red line back to Holtzmann’s apartment.

Erin looked over at her, surprised. “…Sure.”

Holtzmann grinned and stood up. “Okay, well, then, we gotta get off here.” The engineer grabbed her hand and hauled her off the train just before the doors closed; Erin barely had time to grab her purse.

“We’ve got a bit of a walk,” the engineer told her as they walked out of the station. She looked unconventionally nervous.

Erin took her hand and squeezed it. “That’s fine.”

The walk took about ten minutes; the campus was quiet, for it was Spring Break. Erin had only been to MIT once or twice so she enjoyed the early evening walk, holding Holtzmann’s hand as they went. The engineer gave a running commentary on all the buildings, statues, and people they passed, which Erin found endearing.

Finally they came up on a door, which Holtzmann opened with a swipe of her ID card. They walked up two flights of fire stairs and into a barren corridor. The tile and walls had been freshly refurbished, but there was no denying that this building was old. The hallway smelled strongly of ionic discharge; Erin had not smelled that particular scent in almost three decades, but she recognized it immediately. The hair on the back of her neck rose.

Holtz, oblivious to the physicist’s discomfort, kept walking.

“What’s that smell?” Erin finally asked, trailing after her, looking over her shoulder.

The engineer stopped in front of a set of double lab doors and looked slightly sheepish. “That’s, uh, mostly my bad, actually. Gorin Lab has two labs up here, and there’s a third unused one that we sometimes use. And, I, uh, was practicing with the first prototypes for my thesis, trying to work out some bugs and…they... _might_ have exploded.”

“They _what_?!”

“I guess I didn’t learn my lesson in the slammer, huh? Still totally have a _proclivity for pyrotechnics_ ,” Holtzmann quoted with a grin. “Since the weapons are ion-based they ionized the air and it’s lingered for longer than anybody thought. But don’t worry! Nobody has started to glow in the dark—I checked.”

Erin sputtered a bit at the engineer’s blasé attitude. She could never understand how Holtzmann danced through and skated over dangerous life events. “When was this?”

“A week and a half ago?” The engineer tugged on her ear a bit. “I, uh, didn’t tell you…because I didn’t want you to freak out.”

Erin forced herself to take a calming breath. She reached for the strap of her purse to fiddle with, further calming herself down. “We need…you need to tell me things like that.”

“Sorry…”

“Just…wow. Okay.” Erin looked for a distraction from her mounting anxiety. While she was lucky the source of ionization had not been what had quite literally haunted her childhood, she was not sure she liked the real source any better.

Her eyes found the plaque by the door. Holtzmann’s name, along with several other names, including Dr. Gorin’s, were there. She tried for a distraction. “This is your lab?”

“Oh. Yeah.” Holtzmann smiled, although this time it was tight. Another ear tug. She was nervous. “You still want to see?”

Erin nodded.

The engineer unlocked the door with her keys and held one of the doors open. Erin stepped inside; she was in an antechamber with lockers.

“All phones, electronics, and personal effects in the lockers for the duration of our flight through the land of applied nuclear physics,” Holtzmann said cheerily, stripping off her jacket and unlocking one of the lockers with a key from her key ring. She had so many keys.

The engineer stuffed her phone, jacket, and digital watch in the locker, and Erin realized she should do the same. Erin looked for an empty locker and found one at the top. There was no lock, but she figured that with campus as barren as it was, there to come in and take anything anyway. Even if someone had wanted to steal her things, they would have to have a key to the lab to get in.

Erin, suitably satisfied with her logic, took off her own jacket and put her purse and it into the locker.

“Labcoat, too,” came Holtzmann’s voice from inside her own locker, “or Rebecca will have a coronary.”

Erin looked back in the locker; there was a loaner lab coat hanging on the hook opposite her jacket. She found a hair elastic in her purse, which she used to pull her hair back before putting on the labcoat. There was a pair of clear safety glasses in the pocket, which she put on. She felt like she was back in undergrad.

“Lookin’ pretty hot there, Dr. Gilbert. Come here often?”

Holtzmann had put on her own personal lab coat, a worn denim thing which suited her so absolutely it was ridiculous. She was wearing a pair of yellow-tinted safety googles with metal side shields and was leaning against the lockers in a classic greaser pose. Erin did not think the engineer could look more attractive if she tried.

She could not find a response her mouth could not fumble over, so she simply smiled over at Holtzmann and flushed.

Holtz grinned and twirled her ID card on its lanyard around her finger. “Ready?”

Erin nodded.

The engineer went over and swiped her ID by the door, then punched in several digits on a keypad. The keypad beeped, the lock disengaged, and they were in. Holtzmann held the door for her and gestured her in with all the grandeur of a court footman. The physicist smiled and stepped into the lab.

It was pretty standard, as applied nuclear physics and engineer laboratories went, but it was still impressive to Erin. She followed Holtzmann around the lab, letting her explain the machines and asking questions about the research and experimental equations they were trying to bring to fruition. Their current work seemed to be about net zero something—Holtzmann chattered excitedly about green energy and the use of small, individual reactors in neighborhoods to create a grid-off-the-grid that would supplement collected solar and wind energy.  

“If we could just get the fear of the nuclear out of the public consciousness,” Holtzmann said seriously as Erin looked over a master plan for one such neighborhood that Gorin Lab and several local architecture and neighborhood planning firms were working on together. “Shit like Chernobyl and Fukushima were isolated events. Nuclear is actually far safer, greener, and more efficient than any other green energy technology.”

“But uranium is also very expensive to mine, it’s a finite resource, and nuclear waste takes forever to decompose to a level that is safe for both the environment and for people.”

“Touche, EG.” Despite the argument against nuclear power from her girlfriend, Holtzmann was smiling. “When did you get into green technology?”

“When you told me that’s what Gorin Lab worked on.”

Holtz looked a little shocked, but grinned readily. After they were done in the first lab, the engineer swiped them through the connecting door that led them into a small set of offices, a break room, and a bathroom, then through the next door that led them into the truly experimental side of Gorin Lab. It was mostly cluttered worktables, auto shop drawers that had been repurposed to hold all of the lab’s tools, several movable whiteboards full of equations, and shelves and shelves of file boxes, stacked blueprints, and prototypes.

“This is where all the magic happens,” said Holtz, walking over to a particularly cluttered and gadget-strewn desk that could only be hers. She shrugged off her labcoat, then paused, winked, and said, “At least, this is where one my particular brand of magic happens.”

Erin giggled. She came over to the desk and inspected the white board beside it. One side was full of chicken scratch scribbled for equations that she did recognize, work for Gorin Lab probably, but the other side was filled with numbers that she recognized as equations from the theoretical part of Holtzmann’s thesis. She looked them over critically.

Holtzmann looked up from her desk rummaging. “You, ah, see something that interests you there?”

Erin pulled away from the board to smile at her. “You finally solved it correctly.”

The engineer grinned. “All thanks to you and that brilliant brain of yours.”

Erin flushed; even after several months the engineer still had the ability to catch her off guard with compliments. “You laid the framework. I just proofread and pointed out the mistake.”

“Nah, you saved my bacon.” Holtzmann pulled away from her desk. “Wanna see how those are applied?”

“..Sure!”

Holtz scurried over to one of the shelves and pulled down what looked like a cross between a modern shotgun and a tommy gun. She brought it over to one of the work tables. “It’s a little rough and the design needs to be redefined, but I think this is what I’m settling on. The mini synchrotron, proton injector, and hydrogen ionization chamber are all here in the “clip”. It creates a shot of ionized plasma that can be controlled via the trigger. The longer you squeeze, the more ejection you get.”

Erin snorted; Holtzmann looked up, frowning in confusion before she got it.

“Very mature, Dr. Gilbert.”

“I’m sorry, Holtz,” the physicist said between giggles.

“This is very serious applied nuclear engineering,” Holtzmann intoned in a voice that was meant to be grave, but the intent was ruined by the fact she was dimpling hard and her eyes were twinkling behind her goggles. “Universe changing, Noble Prize winning, dare I say…CERN worthy?”

“I’m sure it is,” Erin replied, still smiling. She took a deep breath and attempted to school her features into a professional expression. “Please continue.”

“Nerd,” Holtz said affectionately, checking Erin’s hip with her own before continuing. “Okay, so…uh…where was I?”

“Plasma ejection caused by synchrotron reaction and trigger pull.”

“Oh! Right. Yeah, okay, so. So when they come out of the synchrotron the ions goes into a cryrocooler pulse tube, which fedes into the amplifier which turns up the juice so they can be fired as a beam.” Holtzmann gestured appropriately along the proton gun so that Erin could follow. “Then it’s through some RF feed, very high voltage, and into the barrel where the plasma is ignited and sent through a tuning cavity on its way out to achieve maximum firing potential. Pretty sick, huh?”

Erin was suitably impressed. She reached for the gun, which was heavier than it looked, and turned it over in her hands. The craftsmanship was impeccable—it was clear that Holtzmann had spent many hours shaping the metal just right and connecting everything in clean precision. She was sure there were blueprints with an exploded view of each and every piece somewhere.

“You did all this yourself?”

“Mmmhmm. It’s small, considering, so unfortunately there are only a set number of shots, like in a real projectile weapon clip. It has a recharge time. But!” Holtzmann pointed to a large square, backpack-like device hung up on the wall. “Make it bigger and connect it to a wand, you’ve got a sick reverse tractor beam that’s got almost infinite juice. The only problem is its fucking heavy. That’s about fifty pounds of metal and wires, while this is only ten.”

Holtzmann paused, nibbling on her lip. “That’s not my problem right now, though. Whoever, if anybody, buys the tech after I get the doctorate, they can rent my brain to the tune of ninety-to-a-hundred grand a year so I can work on making it lighter.”

“Who do you think would buy the tech?” Erin asked.

“Army, Navy, some contractor, I dunno.” Holtzmann shrugged and picked up the prototype proton gun to put it away. “I might not sell it.”

“Why?”

“Not sure I like what it can do.” Holtz stuffed her hands into the pockets of her pants and did not meet Erin’s gaze. “Set out to make a non-lethal weapon, but it ended up that bullets and shrapnel might be nicer than having your body destroyed from the inside out by ionized hydrogen atoms. At least then there’s stuff leftover to patch up with traditional projectiles.”

Erin was quiet. Then, “Will you destroy the blueprints?”

“Probably. Better that way.” The engineer sighed. “Didn’t mean to bring you down. Wanna get outta here? Jennifer’s cooking tonight and she makes bomb ass chicken cacciatore. It’s probably waiting for us.”

The physicist realized Holtzmann desperately wanted to end the conversation and leave the lab. She wondered if this was why the engineer had been having such trouble finishing her thesis—she was scared about the broader implications of her inventions. She was deflecting in more ways than one.

Erin decided it was okay for Holtzmann to deflect just this one. They would talk about it later. She simply nodded in response to her offer and held out her hand. Holtz smiled softly, took it, and they went back through the lab to get their things. On the ride back to Holtzmann’s place, the blonde rested her head on Erin’s shoulder the entire time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being so patient. You all are the best. Hope everyone enjoyed the chapter! Let me know what you thought. :)


	8. Chapter 8

The next day, they decided to kick around Boston a little bit before going to the convention center and picking up their badges. Neither of them presented until Friday, so they took Thursday morning to spend some more time with each other outside of the academic setting.

“Where are we going today?” Erin asked as they walked to the station.

“Thought we might go for a walk at Mount Auburn, since you like the Common and Gardens so much.”

The physicist glanced over at her, a sudden lump in her throat. “The cemetery?”

“Mmm.” Holtzmann rubbed her thumb along Erin’s hand absentmindedly.

“Oh.”

“…You don’t sound like a fan.”

Erin forced herself to swallow, to breathe deeply. “It’s…complicated.”

The engineer pulled them to a stop by Davis Square and then off into the relative privacy of the benches under the trees just getting their new leaves. “We don’t have to go. We can go somewhere else.”

“N-no, it’s…it’s stupid, Holtz, I—”

“Hey, look at me,” the blonde said softly, cupping Erin’s cheek in her hand. Erin was distracted from her touch by the way Holtzmann’s giant chunky watch brushed against her neck. “It is absolutely not stupid. If you don’t feel comfortable we won’t go.”

“Like I said it’s…complicated.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” the grad student said quickly, although it was very clear she was burning with desire to know what was making Erin act this way.

Erin looked around; it was past rush so there were not many people. She did not, though, think she could explain to Holtz just yet. “I’d…like to go somewhere else.”

“Alright, cool. MIT museum should be open today. You down?”

“That sounds great,” the physicist said, a bit tightly.

“Hey.” Holtzmann waited until Erin was looking at her before pressing a firm, gentle kiss to her cheek. “You save your tragic backstory for when you feel comfortable, ok? I won’t pressure you to tell me. Save it for our grand exposition, whenever you feel that that is.”

Erin legitimately wanted to cry; Holtz was so thoughtful, and funny, and sweet, and she was just a giant anxious mess. She swiped at the tears that were leaking from her eyes involuntarily with the palm of her hand, sniffling. The engineer watched with some concern as she rummaged for a package of tissues in her purse.

“When’s your birthday?” the blonde asked to distract her.

Erin wiped her eyes, careful of her makeup, however minimally applied. “December 29th.”

“Whaaaat?” Holtzmann drawled. “Your birthday passed and you didn’t tell me?”

“Sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it. That makes your half birthdaaaay—” Holtz paused for a second to do the calculation. “June 22nd. Right?”

Erin wrinkled her nose. “I guess.”

“Information stored for future use, Captain,” the engineer said sagely, tapping her temple. “Now how about we go down to campus and see ourselves a museum?”

Erin threw her crumpled tissue in a nearby trashcan, then nodded. Holtzmann smiled, took her hand, and together they walked to the T.

-/-

“So are we going to attend the welcome dinner they are having tonight?” Erin asked as they sat in a corner of the convention center, badges and bags acquired, looking through the program.

“Weeeeell, we could go, rub elbows, and eat awful rubber chicken,” the engineer drawled, peering over her shoulder at the page in question Erin was referring to. “Or, get this, we could give it a hard pass and relive our first hot date by finding a place to eat that does not serve under seasoned and underprepared poultry.”

Erin smiled. “You sound like Patty. ‘You white people don’t know how to cook anything.’”

“It’s true, we absolutely do not.” Holtzmann’s hand snaked up the back of the physicist’s blazer and rubbed her back. Predictably Erin melted directly in her touch even despite the public venue. “What do you say?”

“Mmm,” she mumbled, “but I promised to go to the astrophysics panel for Abby…”

“Okay then. Astrophysics, then well prepared food, then home?” Holtz amended.

“Deal.”

.

.

.

Holtzmann did not entirely understand the two lecture-then-panel she and Erin sat through, but she understood enough to follow along. Mostly she watched Erin take copious notes, despite the fact that she was recording the lecture on an audio recorder. Erin’s handwriting was as neat and precise as she was, but she wrote in a shorthand that took Holtz most of the lecture to decode. If she had not been on hand to compare real-time spoken word with Erin’s complex method of taking notes, she would never have been able to translate it.

Erin’s pen was one of those expensive nib ones with the refillable ink. It was sleek, black and white with sliver accents, both not her style but very befitting of her personality. Holtzmann wondered if it had been a gift. She would never buy such a pen, expect maybe to display—she did her best work with mechanical pencils and silver sharpies on blueprint paper and occasionally rolls of trace. Her handwriting was, as Erin could attest, atrocious.

Finally, the lecture was done and Erin packed up as the room filed out. Holtzmann sat beside her, legs spread a bit, foot jiggling. “Any other things you want to go to before we bounce?”

Erin carefully put her notebook, pen (in its special case), and audio recorder in her briefcase. “No. And you’ve been very patient, thank you.” She leaned over and kissed Holtzmann’s cheek gently. “I know this isn’t your area of expertise.”

“I followed it easily enough,” the engineer said as they got up and started to leave the convention center. “Same basic physics, just with stars instead of atoms.”

“Mm, that’s true.” They stopped at a crosswalk to wait for it to be safe to go. “I saw you on your phone during the lecture. Find a good place to eat?”

“A couple. Up for soup?”

“Like…chowder?”

“Excuse you,” the blonde protested in a teasing sort of voice. “When you’re in Boston it’s _chowdah._ ”

“I’d be more worried about your delicate Bostonian sensibilities if you were actually from Boston,” Erin replied with a roll of her eyes.

Holtzmann clapped a hand dramatically to her chest. “That hurts, Er.”

“Good,” Erin deadpanned. “Suffer.”

The engineer grinned and squeezed her hand. “What about my delicate lesbian sensibilities? I’ve still got those.”

“I was not aware those were being called into question.”

The blonde laughed and bumped Erin with her hip. “Boston Chowda Co alright with you?”

“That’s fine.”

“Good, ‘cuz we’re here.”

They were, indeed, there. Erin smiled and ducked into the restaurant, Holtzmann following after her.

-/-

Holtzmann wanted to watch a movie before bed, but Erin was starting to get anxious about her presentation the next day. Holtz left her on the futon with her laptop so she could read over her slides and notes to prepare; the engineer, meanwhile, tinkered at her desk with her headphones in so her music would not disturb Erin.

Finally, at around midnight, Holtz stood up, stretching and popping her back. Erin was curled up on the futon, lip drawn in between her teeth as she read over her notes for what must have been the fiftieth time that night. She had Scully in her lap, although Holtzmann was not sure if Erin was aware that she was now chinchilla furniture.

“Hey, champ,” the blonde said, dropping onto the futon next to her girlfriend. “How’s it going?”

Erin let out a little groan.

“That good, huh?”

The physicist disengaged from her laptop to rub her temples. “I’m just stressing out for no reason. I know all of this.”

Holtzmann made a noise then reached over and draped her hand across the base of Erin’s neck. Before Erin could ask what she was doing she began to massage her fingers into the muscles there. Erin moaned softly and adjusted so Holtz could dig her fingers in better. The engineer grinned, reached over to close and deposit Erin’s laptop in a safe location, then returned her fingers to her muscles.

“Tension headache?”

“Bit.”

“Mmm.” After a moment, Holtzmann moved her fingers to a different area. Erin moaned again. Holtzmann swallowed and continued until she was done, then pulled away. “Better?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

“Make sure you take your meds.” Holtz patted her leg and leaned in for a kiss. Erin surprised her by draping her arms around the engineer’s neck and continuing the kiss. Although surprised Holtzmann adjusted with aplomb; she slid her hand to rest on the side Erin’s thigh, tilting her head ever so slightly to deepen the kiss.

The physicist sighed happily. After a moment she broke the kiss but stayed close, resting her forehead against Holtzmann’s.

“Okay there?” the blonde asked.

“Mmm.” Erin leaned in and pressed a little kiss to Holtzmann’s mouth, then pulled away and moved to get up. “Time to get ready for bed.”

“Oh. Okay.” Trying to hide her disappointment Holtz got up, too and went rooting around for her pajama pants in sleep shirt. Erin got changed as Holtzmann did; the engineer did her best not to stare. She knew the physicist was slightly self-conscious about her body, even though all Holtz wanted to do was run her hands all over her and show her how much she loved her.

“Are you going to keep working?”

“What?” Holtz asked, coming back to the present.

Erin was in bed, looking at her. “Are you going to keep working or come to bed?”

“Mmmmmmmmm,” she hummed, before popping her lips decisively and saying, “Bed, I think.”

“Okay.” When Holtzmann just stood there, Erin raised an eyebrow. “Going to turn off the lights?”

“What? Oh. Yeah.” The engineer quickly shepherded the chinchillas back into their cage then shut off the lights. By the glow of the nightlights she came to bed, crawled over Erin, and nestled into bed beside her. Her heart sped up traitorously as Erin snuggled into her, nuzzling into her neck to give her a gentle kiss.

“Good night, Holtz.”

The engineer rubbed her arm gently, disappointment and anxiety gnawing at her stomach. “G’night, Erin.”

-/-

The next morning, Erin noticed, Holtzmann got up as soon as the alarm went off. She disappeared into the hallway as the physicist was disentangling herself from the covers. She came back moments later with a cup of water, which she set on the desk. Erin watched as she picked up all of the bottles on the windowsill (minus the melatonin), opened them one by one, and swallowed a pill from each one.

“Okay?” Erin asked as Holtzmann drained the cup of water.

“Just forgot to take them last night.” Erin thought that Holtzmann had forgotten to take them for several days, as she had not seen her take anything since she arrived, but kept her mouth shut. Holtzmann continued on without her commentary. “Do you want to shower first or eat breakfast first?”

“Umm—breakfast, I think, first. Unless you wanted to shower first?”

“Was thinking you should shower while I cooked,” the engineer said as she put the pill bottles away.

Erin went over and leaned on Holtzmann; the smaller woman reached up and gently massaged the nape of Erin’s neck, then scritched her fingers along the physicist’s scalp. “Oooooh…”

“Cat got your tongue?” Holtz asked with a grin. “It can’t be a chinchilla, they are all in their cage.”

“Nnngh,” Erin grumbled, but she ghosted the engineer’s neck with a kiss before pulling away. “Go make breakfast and I’ll shower. Hair has to dry before I do my make up anyway.”

“Aye aye Captain…enjoy your shower.”

Twenty minutes later when Erin appeared downstairs in leggings and a sleep shirt, her hair damp and stringy, she found Holtzmann putting the finishing touches on breakfast. She set two plates on the table, each with an egg cooked in a ring of green pepper, two sausage links, and a small pat of hash browns to the side. On the table already was the R2-D2 coffee press she had gotten Holtz for Christmas, filled with delicious coffee, and a third plate stacked with buttered rye toast for them to share.

“Mm, this looks delicious.”

Holtzmann tipped an imaginary hat and after retrieving silverware, joined Erin at the table. Erin started, but Holtz did not—she fussed with her cutlery. Erin immediately noticed.

“What’s wrong?”

“I—” the engineer tried, then stopped. Erin waited patiently. Holtzmann could not meet her eyes.

Finally, “Do you even _want_ to have sex with me at some point?” The engineer almost immediately winced. “That came out harsher than I wanted it to.”

Erin’s eyes widened. Of all the things she had expected, it was not this. “I—sex? Is this what this is about?”

“Ummm….yeah?” the blonde said nervously, drawing her bottom lip between her teeth for a second. “I just—we’ve been together several—and you’ve expressed no—what I’m trying to say is—”

“Holtz,” Erin interrupted her, “just stop.”

Holtzmann stopped, looking terrified.

Once Erin was sure she had her full attention, she spoke. “Holtzmann, I—I know it’s not easy, having a demisexual for a partner—”

“You’re demi?” the engineer interrupted.

“…Yes?” Erin was frowning. “Did we not…ever…talk about that?”

Holtzmann frantically shook her head.

“Oh.” Erin was turning red in embarrassment. “I swear I mentioned—no _wonder_ you’ve been worried.”

“Sorta explains some things,” Holtz mumbled, looking slightly ashamed and very determined to engage her hash browns in a stare down. Her voice was stilted. “I shouldn’t have assumed—presumed—that just because we’ve been together—”

“No, Holtz, it’s okay,” the physicist interrupted. She leaned over the table and took her hand. “I…I trust you now, more than anything.”

Holtzmann looked up, head cocked to the side like a confused dog.

“If you want to have sex I’m definitely not opposed,” Erin said quickly, “I just needed…time to get used to you, make sure this was something I wanted.”

“Is it? …Something you want?”

“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t.” Erin paused, then bit her lip. “If I had known this was something important to you—the other night, I would have definitely let you keep going. I thought you were tired. The making out...that was _very_ nice.”

Holtzmann grinned, pleased with these new revelations. She had fully expectedly her little outburst to throw them into a massive fight. Instead, they had cleared the air. It was a refreshing feeling.

She glanced and the clock and scowled, unhappy with what she saw there. “No time,” she mumbled, looking put out.

Erin frowned. “For what?”

The engineer shot her a coy, hopeful little glance. “…A quickie?”

The physicist flushed. “I don’t—I take too long for…” She paused. “…quickies.”

“Is that so?” Holtz asked thoughtfully. All of a sudden she was smirking, eyes twinkling with mischief. Erin swallowed reflectively—that was the looking of a scheming Holtzmann, which could either be very good or very, very dangerous. “In that case…maybe I should cancel our dinner reservation so that we can spend plenty of time… _getting to know each other_?”

“What, tonight?” Erin squeaked.

“If that’s okay with you?”

Now that the suggestion was out there, the physicist’s brain traitorously conjured up an image of them in bed together. Holtzmann above her instead of beside her, hazy in the dim light of the nightlights, hands…She stopped herself before she needed a _second_ shower of the morning. Holtzmann was looking at her expectantly. Unable to find words, Erin simply nodded.

“Really?” Holtz asked hopefully, before stopping and asking, “I’m not...you’re not under any pressure to...?”

“No, I want to,” Erin said quickly. Then, nervously and self-deprecatingly, “It will give me something to be anxious about besides the presentation.”

“Oh, babe, don’t be anxious,” the engineer said earnestly. “You’ll do perfectly at the panel, and tonight…it will be all about you.”

“What if I want it to be all about you?”

Holtzmann blinked, surprised. “I…well, it could be arranged,” she managed finally. “Gotsta keep the lady happy.”

“You do very well at that already,” Erin said, before looking down at their breakfast. “Like this, for example. I’ve never had a boyfriend cook this well, so you’re already well on your way.”

Holtzmann preened. Their conversation reaching a standstill, and her appetite mostly returned by the resolution of her anxiety, Holtzmann began to eat. With each chew, she began to plan for the day ahead.

“Wait, hold on,” Erin said after a solid five minutes of eating breakfast. “You made dinner reservations? _Where?”_

The engineer could only grin.

 


	9. Chapter 9

“The tweed returns,” Holtzmann said with a grin as she stepped out of the bathroom, in dress pants and a bra but no other semblance of clothing. Her hair had been blown dry but not yet put up; Erin found her mouth was a bit dry. Their conversation in the breakfast nook had been barely thirty minutes ago, but something had changed between them. The sight of Holtzmann shirtless with her hair down made Erin’s pulse speed up.

“Tell me, if this is Episode Six: Return of the Tweed, what is our equivalent of The Empire Strikes Back?” Holtz asked as she crossed the room to find the hairbrush she had been looking for. She grabbed a can of hairspray, sprayed the brush with it, then ran it through her hair to tame the blowdryer-induced frizz.

Erin blinked. “Um.”

“Better yet.” Holtzmann pointed with the brush towards the particle physicist. “Will we encounter our Rey at the conference today, or is it once of us? Is one of us with the Force? Are we going to resurrect the Jedi? Do we get to go on a life changing field trip with Master Luke? Because if so, I call the dual-bladed lightsaber! Nyooom!” The engineer gestured wildly with her hairbrush, making exaggerated lightsaber noises.

Erin rolled her eyes and stood up. “You are such a nerd.”

“But you understand the references,” Holtzmann countered. “And you enabled. You got me that coffee press.”

Erin made an exasperated noise but tempered it with a smile. “Are you done in the bathroom? I have to pee.”

“Then the bathroom is yours. I should be able to find enough bobby pins out here to get this puppy started.”

“Thank you.” Erin dipped a brief kiss onto Holtzmann’s cheek before heading to the bathroom. The air was thick with the scent of her Old Spice body wash, but she could still smell the undertones of her own coconut shampoo. It was a strange, but not unpleasant, aroma.

When Erin returned Holtzmann had pulled on a lavender button down (but had not actually buttoned it) and was busy pinning her hair up into its magnificent up do. She caught Erin staring in the mirror and winked.

“Sorry—I—”

“No worries,” the engineer said easily, adding a final bobby pin to her hairstyle before moving to button up her shirt. She looped a grey silk scarf over her neck but tied it loosely, then shrugged on a waist coast that matched the scarf.

“What do you think?” she asked over her shoulder to Erin.

Erin remembered their first date, at the fusion place in Manhattan. It seemed so long ago. Holtzmann had been dressed similarly then—this was a scaled down version of that. Erin thought Holtz looked better in the gray suit she had been wearing then the navy pants she wore now. However, that did not mean she could deny the obvious.

“You look good.”

Holtzmann quirked an eyebrow as she walked towards where Erin had seated herself on the bed to watch. “Just good?”

“Great,” the physicist amended. Holtzmann preened, then winked. God, Erin was weak for the wink.

“So do you,” the blonde replied. “Thought I’d never see the tweed and bowties again.” She  reached forward to tweak said bowtie.

Erin’s face heated up and she mumbled, “I need it today.”

Holtzmann nodded, understanding, and then bent over. Erin suddenly reconsidered the navy pants—they made her ass look _great._

“Feet up, please. I need to get under here.”

Erin lifted her feet and Holtz pulled a rolling bin out from under her bed. It was full of dress shoes and belts. She selected a brown belt with a pattern like dragon scales, and grey shoes with a similar pattern, then slid the bin back under. Holtzmann popped up and gave her a gentle kiss on the lips before joining her on the bed so she could put on her shoes. “Thanks, babe.”

Erin took that as a sign to touch up her make up. When she was done she turned around to find Holtz still sitting on the bed, reading one of the books from her shelves.

“Are we almost ready to go?”

“Mmhmm.” The engineer snapped the book shut and tossed it on the bed before standing. “Leggo!”

.

.

.

Erin’s panel was not until six; Holtzmann’s was at four. The two, upon arriving at half past eleven and discovering that the panel they had wanted to go to had been moved to two, decided to wander the merchant hall. The merchant hall was small, but it was plenty to keep them occupied for a good hour. They spent most of it walking hand-in-hand, or close to it; occasionally Holtzmann’s arm would slide around her waist. Erin enjoyed the touch.

At one of the booths Holtzmann got into an animated discussion with someone she apparently knew from somewhere—in the rapid fire introduction Erin had not caught how they had met. After almost thirty minutes of near-argument, Holtz promptly bought a t-shirt from the man: a black crew neck with an ionizing radiation logo on the chest…only the circle had been replaced by a pink heart. He gave Holtz her card and with a promise to keep in touch, Holtzmann tugged Erin towards the next booth.

“Who was that?” Erin asked as they browsed old periodicals two booths down.

“Oh, just Ed. I knew him at community college. He went to Michigan and works for some engineering place in Texas now.”

“Did he?”

“Yeah. Some gig with an oil company doing renewable energy research.”

“Oil companies do renewable energy research?”

“Oh, yeah.” Holtz stuffed her hands in her pockets. “They know that oil isn’t forever.”

“Interesting…what’s he doing here?”

The engineer shrugged.

After they finished their shopping the two women attended the two o’clock panel-lecture on the role of nuclear engineering and high level physics in education, which both were interested in giving their current jobs. Even Holtzmann took notes, although it was on the back of a receipt and not in a moleskin like Erin.

The lecture ended and the two of them went to look for lunch before Holtz had to meet up with the members of Gorin Lab that would be presenting. That meant that Dr. Gorin would be in attendance. Erin’s stomach, naturally, was in knots.

“Look, babe, food trucks!” Holtzmann exclaimed excitedly they exited the convention center. There where, indeed, food trucks parked along the curb. “See anything you want?”

Erin was not sure she could eat anything but she gamely looked anyway. There were several interesting options; a truck dedicated to kim chi, a truck serving Indian, one called Clovers dedicated to sandwiches and the like, and another dedicated to things served in freshly baked waffles. Eventually, though, the two decided to share an order of loaded potato fries from the truck serving nothing but different kinds of fries with stuff. Neither of them was feeling very adventurous.

They had to go back inside to find a place to eat, but they eventually found an unoccupied table and chairs. They sat, Holtzmann cracked open the soda she had bought, and they passed it between them as they ate.

“How’s the anxiety?” Holtzmann asked over the dregs of the fries, knowing Erin had taken a Xanax after breakfast that morning.

“Okay,” Erin said honestly. She was not awfully anxious about the presentation but nervous about meeting Holtzmann’s labmates. “Do you think Dr. Gorin will like me?”

“What’s not to like?” Holtz joked, winking and taking a swig of soda. When it was clear that was not the reaction Erin needed, she set her fork down and got serious. “She’s a bit stiff with people she’s just met, so don’t take it personally. It’s not you.”

“Even with you?” Erin asked, her voice small.

“Even with me,” Holtz assured her. “Took me forever to crack that professional scientist shell to get to the slightly deranged, but caring lesbian underneath.”

“Thanks…”

“’Course.” Holtzmann scraped up the bits of bacon that had congealed at the bottom of the paper fry container, along with the mix of ranch-mayo, liquid cheese, shredded cheddar, and catsup, then ate them. Erin wrinkled her nose. “What, did you want some?”

“No thank you,” she said, but there was a fond smile in her voice.

The engineer’s phone vibrated in her pocket. She grabbed it and flicked through her messages, wrinkling her nose in a way much similar to Erin only minutes before. “We’ve decided to meet in an empty room apparently. Zak is there setting up her laptop.”

“Is it that time already?” Erin asked, looking at her watch. It was nearly three thirty.

Holtz nodded and shoved her phone away, then started to gather up their trash. She tossed it in a nearby bin. “You don’t have to come.”

“No, I want to,” Erin said firmly, grabbing her briefcase and standing as well. “Where are we going?”

“Some place that’s next to our presentation space. Zak texted me the deets.”

“Okay.”

The room was upstairs on the second level. When they got there a small group of four or five people was crowded around a laptop. Erin felt her stomach clench nervously.

“Took you long enough to get here, Holtzmann,” one of them, a women with short and obviously dyed red hair, said as Erin and Holtzmann approached.

“Go to hell, Nik-Nak,” the blonde engineer said cheerfully and with absolutely no malice. Erin noticed with a start, as the crowd of people from Holtzmann’s lab turned their way, that they were all woman.

“You must be Erin,” said a short, dark-skinned woman in a green paisley hijab. “I’m Zakiya Bezabih, but this one insists on calling me Zak.”

“She has a nickname for everyone,” the red-haired woman said with a disapproving voice. “I’m Nicole Manning.”

A light-skinned black woman with a septum piercing and dark lipstick introduced herself as Kiara Smith, and the dishwater blonde fussing with the batteries of a pointer was introduced as Suzie Buckberg. They were all some flavor of engineer or mathematician grad student or post-doc except for Suzie, who was the project architect that was working with Gorin Lab on their nuclear-powered housing developments.

“Rod, the community planner, was not invited,” Holtzmann told Erin conspiratorially. All the others made faces at the mention of his name—it was clear Rod was not well liked, even by the architectural contingent of the group.

“Gorin not here yet?” Holtz asked, going to lean over Zakiya’s shoulder to look at the powerpoint.

“She sent a message to the GroupMe saying she hit traffic,” Kiara replied. “Didn’t you get it?”

“Nope.” Holtzmann popped the p and winked cheekily.

Kiara rolled her eyes then turned to Erin. “I’m looking forward to your lecture tonight. I’m a big fan of your work on the Grand Unified Theory so I’m excited to hear you talk about it tonight.”

Erin flushed. “Thank you very much.”

“Have you done anything more with the neutrino?”

“I’ve paired with Doctor Yates at NYU. We just released our newest proposal on how the decoupling cosmic neutrino background matter with Byronic matter seems to have created the perfect condition for—”

The conversation degenerated from there into an in-depth discussion on dark matter, galactic interference, and cosmic rays.

“Making friends, babe?” Holtz asked cheekily as Erin traded contact information with Kiara, who had apparently spent her early graduate days interested in the theoretical physics of space before she moved in a more applied direction.

“Can we focus on the presentation we have to give in literally fifteen minutes?” Nicole asked from by the computer, exasperated.

“Drill sergeant calls,” Holtz mumbled to Kiara, who smirked. “Brb, Er, we need to smash this run through.”

Erin smiled and sat, pulling out her phone and looking through her notes for her own upcoming presentation. She was halfway through when someone settled into the seat next to her.

“You must be Dr. Gilbert.”

She looked up and was face-to-face with Doctor Rebecca Gorin. Oh, rather, she was face-to-profile with Doctor Rebecca Gorin. The good scientist had sat down beside her but was facing forward, watching her lab gremlins bicker back and forth about the presentation. Doctor Gorin carried with her an air of amused indifference which, when paired with her artfully coiled grey flyaway hair, dark rimmed glasses, simple make up, and turquoise-inlayed bolero, gave her the sort of calm professionalism that Erin could only hope to achieve one day.

Erin tried not to stammer. “I—yes.”

“I have heard many things about you,” Gorin said calmly, still not looking her in the eye.

“Good things, I hope?” Erin joked lamely, nervous from the professor’s lack of eye contact.

Doctor Gorin finally looked over at her. “Terrible things, naturally,” she deadpanned, but there was an amused twinkle in her dark eyes that put Erin’s anxiety at ease. “I look forward to your lecture tonight. Jillian forwarded me the research report you and Doctor Yates submitted last quarter. You two have done remarkable work.”

“Th-Thank you.”

“We must talk about it later. But for now, it seems I have to intervene.” Doctor Gorin nodded at the podium, where Rachel and Holtzmann were openly arguing. “By your leave, Doctor Gilbert?”

“Erin,” the physicist said faintly. The older woman smiled slightly and inclined her head before she stood and went to go herd the cats she called lab workers. Erin stared after her, wondering exactly what had happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written before Carrie Fisher died, so I am very sorry for the Star Wars gut punch at the beginning of this chapter. Hope this brightened your day a little bit. More to come soon. xo


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter toes the line between Mature and Explicit because I wrote the moment I'm sure ALL of you have been waiting for since Chapter 1. Therefore the rating of the fic has been changed appropriately. 
> 
> Also if you had thought you'd seen the last of Gorin you'd be wrong, dead wrong, because I love her!
> 
> Enjoy! ;D

Doctor Gorin invited them to dinner. Erin had barely had time to come off the success of her hour long presentation and half-hour long question-and-answer period when the invitation had been given. Holtzmann had immediately said yes for both of them, because she loved Dr. Gorin’s cooking and wanted her girlfriend and mentor to get along. Erin, despite being the one initially asked, had very little say in the matter. This was how the physicist found herself in the back of a Lyft to Doctor Gorin’s house in Boston’s South End at almost seven o’clock in the evening _instead_ of being at the steakhouse in Bay Village or on the T back to Holtzmann’s place.

Erin was not necessarily pleased. Holtzmann had promised her a night of steamy romance; now that they were finally on the same sexual page, Erin intended to cash in on that promise. Now it seemed like their night might be in danger of collapse; on their ten minute ride, Erin had a silent text exchange with Holtzmann, who was in the front seat.

 _Erin Gilbert: Couldn’t you have gotten a raincheck on dinner for tomorrow night instead?_  
_Holtz <3: No?_  
_Holtz <3: Award dinner is tomorrow night + Dr. Gorin is receiving some Lifetime Achievement Award_  
_Holtz <3: + you leave Sunday afternoon_  
_Erin Gilbert: Oh_  
_Holtz <3: Are you mad at me?_  
_Holtz <3: I can tell Rebecca something came up?_  
_Erin Gilbert: No don’t we’re almost there_  
_Erin Gilbert: but I have a panel at noon remember?_  
_Holtz <3: right :/_  
_Holtz <3: we won’t stay long_  
_Erin Gilbert: Okay._

Doctor Gorin’s house was actually a three story brownstone, with a large bay window on the first floor. It was neat, but not to the point where it looked unlived it; warm wood accented the floors and furniture, and there were various pieces of artwork scattered throughout the home.

“You have a beautiful home,” Erin said as she came into the kitchen, where her girlfriend had been conscripted to chop and brown onions.

“Thank you,” the older woman allowed from where she was cutting up potatoes. “I acquired it after I returned to Boston for my Doctorate.”

“Where did you live before?” she asked politely.

“I lived in Brookline when I received my undergraduate degree from Boston College, before I moved to Princeton for my Masters.”

“I did post-doc at Princeton,” Erin said with smile. “I worked with Doctor Branum.”

“Ah, Richard, yes.” Gorin added her potatoes, along with several different kinds of tomatoes and a few other ingredients, to the stock pot, then left it to simmer. “How is he?”

“Tolerably well. I think he’s getting ready to retire.”

“As all of us of that generation are,” said the scientist wryly, wiping her hands on a rag. “Jillian, would you get the nice place settings from the basement, please?”

Holtzmann nodded and scurried off downstairs. Erin found herself under the intense scrutiny of Doctor Gorin; the physicist suddenly felt very self-conscious.

“When Jillian came back from Mill Run with tales of the woman who got away,” the older woman began as she moved to her refrigerator and pulled out two heads of broccoli, “I thought it was a passing obsession.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. But then it continued.” Gorin began to cut the broccoli up on the cutting board Holtzmann had abandoned. Erin was not sure where this was going.

“As the months went on, she grew irritable and distracted, and she asked me several times if she should try to reach out to you and apologize for ghosting you.”

“She did?” Erin asked, surprised.

“She did,” Gorin confirmed, reaching for a mortar and pestle that looked like it had been stolen from a chemistry lab. Knowing her, it probably had been. “While I have helped Jillian through many a personal issue since I met her, I am, at the end of the day, her thesis advisor.”

“So…you told her not to contact me?”

“No, I told her it would be unwise,” Gorin clarified, peeling several cloves of garlic before crushing them in the mortar and pestle. “I was aware of who you were, and I was familiar your work…and while I appreciated your contributions to the field of physics, Jillian had already extended on her thesis several times. She did _not_ need an additional distraction….it was not a personal slight against you, understand?”

Erin nodded wordlessly.

“I am pleased to say that I was wrong about your relationship. Since the two of you have started dating Jillian has been not only become much more agreeable, but far more accountable, and her self-destructive sentences have reduced dramatically. It is no longer a daily fight to get her out of the lab every morning. I am under the impression that she misses communicating with you enough to leave voluntarily, which I did not think would happen.” The scientist paused, then added, “Before this winter, the last time Jillian left the lab voluntarily was during her first year of graduate school.”

“That was six years ago,” Holtzmann whined, coming into the kitchen with an armful of cloth place settings. It was unclear how long she had been listening in. “I’ve gotten my flu shot every year since then.”

The look Gorin leveled at Holtzmann over her glasses said the only reason Holtzmann got a flu shot every year was because the good doctor badgered her in an incessantly mothering way until Holtz gave up and got one in disgust. Holtzmann, suitably cowed by the look, wordlessly held out the two sets of place settings for Gorin’s consideration.

“The blue, I think.” Gorin waved her off to set the table and opened up one of her cupboards to inspect the wine bottles that were there. “Do you drink, Doctor Gilbert?”

“Not tonight she won’t,” Holtzmann said from the other room where she was putting the place settings down. “She’s had two Xanax in the past twenty-four hours.”

“Thank you, Holtz,” Erin said stiffly, not comfortable with her medical history being broadcast to a veritable stranger. “And it’s Erin, please.”

“No wine for anyone tonight, then.” Gorin closed the cabinet with resolute thud. Erin tried not to mourn the loss.

.

.

.

The tomato bisque soup, along with the roasted garlic broccoli and the fresh bread Gorin had picked up from the local bakery that morning, were all excellent. Holtzmann had been right—Doctor Gorin was an excellent cook. After dinner Holtz and Gorin seemed content to sit around and chat, even though Erin was clearly anxious to get going.

Erin almost got up and left herself, but Holtz’s hand found her leg under the table and gently caressed the skin of her inner knee while she talked animated with Doctor Gorin about some applied theory or another. Occasionally the engineer’s fingers slid higher to her inner thigh and Erin would be forced to stifle a gasp—it was maddening, and it became very clear after several of these that Holtzmann was teasing her on purpose. If Holtzmann had not looked so smug, and therefore so very attractive, Erin would have killed her.

Finally, around nine thirty they bid Doctor Gorin their goodbyes and they caught a Lyft back to Holtzmann’s place. Holtz was teasing and flirty the entire time and Erin wanted nothing more than to jump her in the back of the rideshare and kiss her senseless. But she did not, because that would be inappropriate. Instead, she played coy and aloof, which drove Holtz to flirt harder and be more daring with her touch. By the time they reached Somerville, Erin was extremely worked up.

The stumbled from the Lyft and into the apartment; it was early still, for a Friday night, so Chet and Kevin had not yet returned from the weekend gay bar crawl. Jennifer had undoubtedly retired to bed early, so they had to walk quietly up the stairs past her room.

Then, sweet relief. Holtzmann’s room. Erin kicked off her heels and set her briefcase on the futon while Holtz closed the door and toed off her own shoes. Erin had barely unbuttoned her blazer before the blonde was up and pulled her in close. The physicist’s breathe hitched. Holtz grinned up at her before leaning in and kissing her. The kiss was soft and sweet, almost tentative despite the hot desire that drove both of them. Holtz’s callused hands came up and cupped Erin’s face gently; they both savored the contact.

“I’ve wanted this all day,” Erin admitted as they pulled apart some time later.

“Me, too.” The engineer fingered the lapel of Erin’s tweed blazer. “Can I take this off you?”

“Please.”

Holtzmann carefully helped her out of the jacket, which she set on the futon. Then she kissed Erin again and as she did, her fingers found the zipper of her skirt. She broke the kiss and made a soft inquisitive noise—Erin nodded. The zipper was undone. Erin stepped out of it and was left in her button up with its tiny bowtie, her underwear, and her stockings.

The engineer’s eyes traveled up and down her hungrily. Erin flushed. She reached forward, fiddling with the buttons of Holtz’s waistcoat. “Can I...?”

“Mmhmm.”

Erin unbuttoned the waistcoat, then the lavender dress shirt underneath. Holtz shrugged out of both. The two of them stared at each other for a moment, each of them half-clothed but in the way opposite of the other. They took each other in, met eyes, then started to laugh. Erin went to go sit on the bed to take off her stockings. Holtzmann undid her own belt and tossed it on the futon, then went to plug in the fairy lights around her bed. They twinkled on, and Erin admired them as Holtz went to turn off the main lights.

“What are these for?” she asked as Holtzmann came to sit beside her in the warmly lit nighttime of her room.

“I only turn them on when I have pretty girls in my bed,” the blonde replied with a wink before leaning in and kissing her again. Erin draped her arms around Holtz’s neck and the engineer slid her hand down across the expanse of Erin’s thigh. She shivered and pressed to her touch.

“Do you do better on the top or the bottom?” Holtz asked after a bit.

“Doesn’t matter to me. I’m flexible.”

“Mmm, noted.” Holtz leaned in and kissed down Erin’s jaw, aiming for the spot that made her moan. She found it and Erin whimpered softly. The blonde took a firmer grip of Erin’s thigh and gently maneuvered her deeper into the bed before pulling her so that Erin was straddling her lap.

“You want me on top?” the physicist asked, surprised, settling into her the new position with aplomb.

“Just for now. Better access,” Holtzmann joked before sliding her hands under Erin’s shirt. She giggled and wriggled under Holtzmann’s touch. “What’s this? Ticklish?”

“Don’t you dare!”

“I won’t,” the engineer promised before withdrawing her hands and deciding instead to undo Erin’s shirt. She undid the buttons one by one, revealing Erin’s lacy bra and panties underneath. “What’s this? Did you wear the nice set for me?”

Erin flushed but nodded. Holtzmann grinned and quickly ran her hands up Erin’s sides before settling them just below her breasts. “What do you like, Er?”

“Anything,” she said a bit desperately.

“That’s a whole lot of choices,” Holtz joked, but her mirth died off when Erin grabbed her hands and placed them firmly on her breasts. “Oh. Okay. That definitely works.”

She gently squeezed through Erin’s bra and watched her eyes close. She sighed happily. Holtzmann continued to squeeze a few more times before she slid her hands back around the band and fiddled with the clasp. “May I?”

“Uh huh.”

Holtz pulled the hooks free and gently slid the bra off Erin’s shoulders. She immediately leaned in to pepper Erin’s chest with kisses, giving the other woman a moment to compose herself. Once she felt Erin relax the blonde leaned over and pressed a tentative kiss to Erin’s nipple. Erin moaned softly; Holtz grinned and kissed a few more times before sucking the bud into her mouth. The physicist whimpered happily as heat began to pool in earnest between her legs.

After a few sucks Holtz pulled away and kissed the other breast; Erin reached up to twine her fingers in Holtzmann’s hair—only immediately to get stopped by the massive amount of bobby pins in the engineer’s hair.

“Shit!” the blonde swore, releasing Erin’s nipple with a gentle ‘pop’. “Sorry, should have taken those out before we got started.”

“It’s okay.” Erin helped Holtz pull all the pins from her hair and set them on the bookshelves. When they got the last one out, Holtz pulled her hair back in a sloppy bun to keep it out of the way. Before she could get started again, Erin leaned in and kissed her rather forcefully, causing Holtz to inhale sharply.

“Okay?” Erin asked quickly.

“Hell yeah,” the blonde replied, and Erin kissed her again. Holtz submitted to Erin’s roving fingers willingly, letting her trace the scars on her forearms and abdomen. Erin reached around and fumbled with Holtz’s bra but couldn’t get it; laughing, the engineer reached back and helped her.

As the bra came off Erin asked, “Where do you like being touched?”

“I’m not wild about my breasts, just because they aren’t sensitive, but my stomach and thighs are more than willing to make up for their defects.”

“You’re still wearing pants…?”

“Guess we’ll have to fix that.”

Holtzmann’s navy dress pants joined her bra and Erin’s assorted clothing on the floor.

.

.

.

At some point they reclined, Erin half-on and half-off of the engineer as they slowly made out. Erin’s hand continued to wander, eventually settling between Holtz’s legs where she stroked and squeezed her thighs. Every once and a while, when Erin’s hands strayed close to her apex, Holtz would let out an involuntary whimper.

“That’s what you get for teasing me throughout dinner,” Erin whispered against her lips.

“Worth it,” Holtz croaked back.

.

.

.

The kissing grew more heated and Holtzmann flipped so that she was over Erin, kissing her neck and pressing her knee against her center. The older woman was begging softly; she had long ago soaked through her underwear and Holtz knew it. She was just about to take mercy on her when there was a banging behind them.

They both froze.

The bang-clanging continued and Holtzmann relaxed. “Just the chinchillas,” she assured Erin, her hand resuming its quest southward, but Erin grabbed her wrist. “What is it?”

“We can’t.”

“What?” Holtzmann asked, but withdrew her hand anyway. “What’s wrong?”

“I…just…I forgot about them but now I definitely can’t.” Holtzmann cocked her head, to the side, not comprehending. “The chinchillas?”

“Yes? What about them?”

“They’re…” Erin squirmed uncomfortably. “Watching?”

Holtz couldn’t help herself—she started laughing. “I don’t think they know what we’re doing, Er.”

“I know I just…can’t okay?”

Still laughing, Holtzmann sat back. “Would if be better if I put the sheet over their cage?” Erin nodded. “Okay, be back in a jiffy.” The engineer got up and rigged a sheet over the cage, then returned to bed. “Voyeuristic chinchillas accounted for and dealt with accordingly. May I resume?”

“Mmm, you may.”

.

.

.

“God you’re so wet…”

“Fuck, Holtz, please….”

“Is this okay?”

“Yes.”

“This?”

“Uh huh.”

“This?”

“Fuccckk…!”

“Since when did you swear, Er?”

“This is _not the time_ , Holtzmann.”

“Mmm…are you ready?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Okay I’m gonna start mov—”

“Ooh. No.”

“No?”

“No. Too deep. Pull back a little more.”

“Okay…here?”

“Yes but massage instead of thrustnnnnngh!”

“There?”

“Fuck yes. Right there, please, Holtz...please…oh fuck...”

“Think I found it?”

_“Shut up, Holtzmann.”_

.

.

.

Erin’s hand was tugging hard in her hair but Holtzmann didn’t mind. Once she had found the right spot, and the two had settled into a good rhythm, it had not taken the engineer long to make Erin peak. She attributed it to the long foreplay session before—their second round was taking a bit longer. Her wrist was cramping up.

“Mmm, babe, I have to take a break,” Holtz admitted finally, pausing before gently pulling two fingers from inside her partner.

“Sorry,” Erin mumbled as Holtz wiped her fingers on the sheets.

“Definitely not your fault,” the blonde murmured back, rolling over and leaning in for a gentle kiss. “Besides…I’ve definitely gotten a bit turned on from all this?”

Erin smiled softly. “Is that so?”

“Mmm. And I would love if the pretty lady in my bed would help me rectify the situation.”

Erin laughed and squeezed her pale thigh gently. “She’ll see what she can do.”

.

.

.

Holtzmann peaked twice under Erin’s attentive and laser-focused care—after a third attempt, which failed to produce orgasm but was still deemed a rousing success by Holtzmann, the two cuddled under the soft glow of Holtzmann’s fairy lights.

“What time is it?” Erin asked sleepily as her hand gently traced the indentations of the engineer’s spine.

Holtzmann glanced at her watch, the only part of her original outfit still attached to her body. “…You’re gonna hate me.”

“Why?”

“It’s definitely two o’clock in the morning.”

Erin groaned but rolled over and nuzzled her face into Holtz’s shoulder. “Worth it.”

Holtzmann concurred.

**  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did totally post this chapter with ulterior motive. It's totally my birthday today so in that spirit I'm asking you guys three things:
> 
> One: I would love if you guys went over and read my Ghostbusters/Holtzbert superhero AU _borrow mine til yours can open, too_ because I'm trying to finish that up as well and comments on it would get me fired up to keep working on it. 
> 
> Two: It's also heykeylabeth's birthday (we share a birthday! How rad!). She's got an awesome Holtzbert fic going right now called _73 Days_. If you aren't reading it already you totally should! Go give her some love!
> 
> Three: Have an awesome day. :) Lots of people are back to work and school on January 2nd so try to make the most of it, yeah? 
> 
> Thanks in advance! <3


	11. Chapter 11

The rest of the weekend was a blur. Erin presented again on Saturday, as did Holtzmann, and they attended the awards dinner and cheered Doctor Gorin on with varying levels of dignity when she received her award. Then they returned home and fell into bed together.

Erin woke early on Sunday morning, naked, entangled with an equally naked Holtzmann. She lay next to her and admired how she looked in the early morning light. Then, struck by a wave of sadness, she curled close into the warmth of engineer’s body.

“I don’t want to go,” she whispered.

“I don’t want you to go either.” Holtzmann’s voice was quiet; she did not sound like herself.

Erin swallowed tightly; she had not known the blonde was awake.  She reached up and toyed with Holtzmann’s necklace, running her thumb across the shiny metal.

“Penny for your thoughts?” the engineer asked after a long stretched of silence.

The physicist was quiet for a long time, then sighed and dropped the pendant. “When I was eight I saw a ghost.”

“O…kay?”

“It was the ghost of my neighbor. She haunted me for a year and nobody believe me. It got out and I was ostracized. I met Abby and we got into physics because we wanted to try to explain the existence of the paranormal.” Erin was talking quickly, trying to get it all out before Holtzmann inevitably would stop her. “We wrote a book but we put it on hold because we were getting so much pushback and we wanted to eat so...Abby got into astrophysics and I became fascinated in neutrinos, but the point is…that’s why I didn’t want to go to the cemetery because it reminds me of then and I can’t hide this from you anymore so I’m telling you now before I go, because if you want to break up with me now’s the time before I get anymore attached to you than I already am.”

Erin finally stopped talking. Holtzmann was quiet.

“Please say something.”

“I’m just…processing,” the engineer said finally.

“You don’t believe me.”

“No, I do!” Holtz rolled over to face her. “That’s just…quite the exposition, ya know? Like when you found out that Brom was Eragon’s dad and you just kinda had to go ‘wow okay that changes everything.’”

“I never read those books,” Erin admitted quietly.

“That’s good. The last one was crap,” Holtz quipped, then realized she was getting off topic. She curled her hand gently around Erin’s hip and stroked her skin with her thumb. “Ghosts, huh?”

Erin nodded.

“Huh.” A pause. “I’ve never seen one but I’ve also never seen a giant squid. But that doesn’t meant they aren’t real, right?”

“Right,” said Erin, hardly daring to believe it.

“And you and Abby got into science to prove that ghosts were real?” Holtzmann asked, lighting up. “You two are the most beautiful nerds. Do you still have the book?”

The physicist shrugged, flushing in embarrassment. “Abby probably does, somewhere. She keeps everything.”

“I one hundred percent want to read that book. Can that be my You Finished Your Thesis gift from you?” The engineer grinned. “Pretty please? I want to read baby Erin Gilbert and Abigail Yates science.”

Erin raised an eyebrow. “Who said you’re getting a gift?”

“Oh, it’s like that, is it?”

“Mmm, it is.”

Holtzmann rolled on top of her, straddling her hips and leaning in to kiss her. Erin smiled and kissed her back. For that moment, they just basked in each other.

-/-

**_March_ **

-/-

_Erin Gilbert: Home safe._  
_Erin Gilbert: The 1 was awful._  
 _Holtz <3: Glad ur safe_  
 _Holtz <3: I miss you. : (_  
 _Erin Gilbert: I miss you, too._

-/-

It was only three months, technically two and a half, but it felt like forever. It was made worse by the fact Holtzmann was rapidly running out of time to complete her thesis and teach and grade for her classes and complete all of her other course work. Holtz stayed late in the lab to keep the distractions to a minimum, and when she was not in the lab the both of them were teaching and holding office hours. It meant that the couple’s text exchanges were few and far between, and their Skype calls were practically nonexistent.

Holtzmann was trying her best, and Erin acknowledged that. But it still hard on them both.

-/-

_Holtz <3: oh my god_  
_Holtz <3: one of the profs in engineering stopped by and was like_  
 _Holtz <3: ur almost done Holtzmann right_  
 _Holtz <3: and I was like_  
 _Holtz <3: yeah almost a free elf :D_  
 _Holtz <3: and he laughed and then_  
 _Holtz <3: he asked_  
 _Holtz <3: the fucking question_  
 _Erin Gilbert: Let me guess._  
 _Erin Gilbert: “What are you going to do after you get your Ph.D?”_  
 _Holtz <3: YES_  
 _Holtz <3: i dunno i’m busy trying not to die_  
 _Erin Gilbert: Don’t die._  
 _Holtz <3: doing my best._  
 _Holtz <3: I mean, I applied to CERN ages ago but haven’t heard anything from them_  
 _Holtz <3: so I’m guess that isn’t going anywhere_  
 _Holtz <3: probably gonna stick around until the end of this development project and see what happens_  
 _Holtz <3: after that idk_  
 _Holtz <3: postdoc somewhere I’m sure_

Erin bit her lip. She knew Abby was still very serious about wanting to hire Holtzmann after she got her Ph.D. but since the lab was technically Abby’s and not Erin’s she knew it a job offer could not come from her. Still, she knew many people who could use Holtzmann’s expertise.

_Erin Gilbert: I can ask around and see is anybody needs a nuc. Eng. researcher in the city?  
Holtz  <3: You just want me in NYC :P_

Erin swallowed. Holtzmann had implied, at the beginning of their relationship, that they would close the distance after her Ph.D. was completed. Did Holtzmann no longer want to do that? As much as Erin loved her, the distance was torture, and she wanted it to end as quickly as possible.

_Erin Gilbert: Guilty I suppose._  
_Holtz <3: Same._  
_Holtz <3: Besides I love the city_  
 _Holtz <3: [music note emoji] I want to be a part of it, New York New York! [music note emoji]_  
 _Erin Gilbert: [eyeroll emoji]_  
 _Erin Gilbert: Good to know I’m not your main reason to move to NYC._  
 _Holtz <3: But you’re a good one._  
 _Holtz <3: <3 ?_  
 _Erin Gilbert: <3_

-/-

**_April_ **

-/-

_Holtz <3: I don’t think I can fucking do it, Er_

Erin, from where she had been cooking a sad dinner for one, frowned.

_Erin Gilbert: What’s wrong?_

Holtz’s replies were rapid.

_Holtz <3: The developers are being stupid _  
_Holtz <3:  and keep making changes that DON’T NEED TO BE MADE_  
 _Holtz <3:  all my time is being sucked into building their stupid house power prototype_  
 _Holtz <3: When I need to be grading and working on my thesis_  
 _Holtz <3: Gorin has been asking for the next chapter since u left_  
 _Holtz <3: I haven’t slept in three days because this thing for the project keeps breaking_  
 _Holtz <3: I think I’m getting sick_  
 _Holtz <3: Or it’s my allergies_  
 _Holtz <3: I’m not sure?_  
 _Holtz <3: either way my sinuses are killing me_  
 _Holtz <3: and I don’t have time to go pick up my prescriptions but I need the Zoloft_  
 _Holtz <3: When all this bullshit is done I’m going to sleep for a week_

Erin sighed and turned the burner to her stove off. Holtzmann was clearly overwhelmed.

_Erin Gilbert: First thing is first. Have you been taking your Zoloft?_  
_Holtz <3: Yes_  
 _Erin Gilbert: Good. Keep doing that._  
 _Erin Gilbert: If you copy your ID and write a note on it giving permission for a friend (Jennifer or Dr. Gorin or Zakiya, etc) and sign it matching the ID you can take that to the pharmacy and they can pick it up for you. Just call ahead and make sure the refill is in._  
 _Holtz <3: Is that a thing?_  
 _Erin Gilbert: Yes, Abby has done it for me before._  
 _Holtz <3: Oh_  
 _Erin Gilbert: Secondly._  
 _Erin Gilbert:  Your thesis prototypes are functional, all you have left is the writing. Right?_  
 _Erin Gilbert: You’ve done all the research and the math?_  
 _Holtz <3: Yeah_  
 _Erin Gilbert: So tell Dr. Gorin you need focus on your kids until May._  
 _Erin Gilbert: When the semester is over you’ll have three weeks to finish the writing you have to do before you present to the board._  
 _Erin Gilbert: You can sit down in the lab for a couple days and get everything written marathon style, and then I’ll look over it before you send it to Dr. Gorin._  
 _Erin Gilbert: Okay?_  
 _Erin Gilbert: I know it’s stressful, Holtz, I’ve been there. You can do it, though, I promise._  
 _Holtz <3: Ok_  
 _Holtz <3: Thanks Er you’re the best_  
 _Erin Gilbert: <3_

-/-

As a general rule Erin did not do much online shopping, but Holtzmann’s thesis deadline was fast approaching and Erin had not even put a single thought towards what she was going to get her. Although Holtzmann had ‘asked’ for her and Abby’s book, Erin had left that up to Abby.

So without much to go on at all, Erin pulled up Amazon. She scrolled endlessly, looking through queer poetry books and nerdy merchandise and even a few shirts with science puns. Nothing spoke to her.

Eventually she ended up in electronics after she remembered her conversation with Holtz months ago about how she stayed late at the lab not because she was a night owl, but because her lab mates disliked her habit of blasting music over the radio as she worked. While Erin was still not entirely sure if Holtzmann had been joking or not, she investigated wireless headphones for several hours until she found the right pair.

They were a bit expensive, and they probably would not be able to be used in the lab anyway because of their electronic nature, but Erin thought Holtzmann would enjoy them regardless. So she bought them.

-/-

_Holtz <3: So Patty finally friended me on facebook_  
_Erin Gilbert: lol_  
 _Holtz <3: She posts so many food recipes and I want to EAT THEM ALL [crying laughter emoji]_  
 _Erin Gilbert: hahaha_  
 _Holtz <3: I am going to print out every single one of these recipes_  
 _Holtz <3: And when I move there I am going to make her come over and make every single one of them_  
 _Erin Gilbert: You’d better invite Abby!_  
 _Holtz <3: I intend to_  
 _Holtz <3: And you, of course_  
 _Holtz <3: We’ll make it an awesome food party : )_  
 _Erin Gilbert: Deal. : )_

-/-

**_May_ **

-/-

“And then there is the cinnamon roll of the class, who came to every class and sat in the front row and paid attention and aced every single exam thus far.” Holtzmann said as she pulled an exam off the stack and showed it to Erin. “My expectations are high.”

The two women had decided to Skype while they graded final exams, if only to share in the collective misery of poor student grades. Erin, who was almost done with her senior seminar exams, watched attentively as her girlfriend went through the packet, tongue poked out as she scribbled with her red pen.

“How did your star student do?” Erin asked as Holtzmann added the page scores together to get the total.

“88. She will keep her A.” Holtzmann wrote the grade on the top of the exam and then turned it so Erin could see she had drawn a smiley face next to her grade. “I wish they were all like this.”

“You know she is never going to see that smiley face?”

“But I drew them on all of her other exams so I gotta keep it up. Tradition!”

Erin rolled her eyes but smiled fondly and returned to her own grading…at least, until Holtzmann started making dying cow noises over some student’s blunder five minutes later.

-/-

_Holtz <3: Okay grades are in I am locking myself in this lab until this thesis is done_  
_Erin Gilbert: Okay._  
 _Erin Gilbert: Please remember to eat._  
 _Erin Gilbert: Healthy food, not junk._  
 _Holtz <3: Yes ma’am_  
 _Holtz <3: See you on the other side ! <3_

.

.

.

Holtz was offline for most of a week. Erin tried not to be too worried; she knew Doctor Gorin would make sure Holtzmann ate and slept at least a somewhat reasonable amount, so she did her best to keep herself busy while Holtzmann worked. So inputted her own final grades, worked on her syllabi for the summer semester, booked her bus ticket for the morning of Holtzmann’s thesis presentation, and wrapped her girlfriend’s gift after deep cleaning her apartment.

She made sure to keep Patty and Abby abreast of the situation. Both women also wanted to attend Holtzmann’s thesis presentation, but as a surprise. Erin was sure Holtzmann would love it, so she happily conspired against her girlfriend and carefully omitted the reason _why_ she had to travel the morning of the thesis presentation (i.e. to not risk the chance of Holtzmann spotting Abby and Patty if she came to pick Erin up at the bus terminal).

It was a lonely week, though. Despite their limited contact over the past few months, they had done their best. Holtzmann had still sent good night texts whenever she could, and videos of chinchillas were a regular part of Erin’s morning routine now.

Erin missed her girlfriend so she was very excited that on the morning of the seventh day she woke up to a text from Holtzmann.

_Holtz <3: Home and in bed. Check email pls_

Erin immediately did as she was asked and she found that she did indeed have an email from Holtz.

\--

_04:43a, 5/18_   
_To:[egilbert@nyu.edu](mailto:egilbert@nyu.edu)_   
_From: Holtzmann_J@mit.edu_   
_Subject: Done_

_Finally._ _I attached the final five chapters and the other ones for context, along with the blueprints that I finished, and my process blueprints._  
_I’m going to sleep for approximately 36 hours but if you could read these last chapters and send me your corrections so I can fix them as soon as I wake up that would be gucchi_  
_You’re the best!_  
_Love,_  
_Your exhausted girlfriend_  
_< 3_  
  
_\--_

Erin smiled and opened her computer, setting the attachments downloading before replying to her girlfriend.

_Erin Gilbert: Good job. <3 _  
_Erin Gilbert: I’ll look these over and send them back to you ASAP._  
 _Erin Gilbert: Get some rest._

The downloads pinged, and after making breakfast and her morning coffee, Erin sat down to read through Holtzmann’s work.

.

.

.

_18:13p, 5/18  
To: Holtzmann_J@mit.edu  
From: _[_egilbert@nyu.edu_](mailto:egilbert@nyu.edu)  
_Subject: Thesis Corrections_

_Fixed some grammar and sentence structure. Otherwise your equations and science seem sound._ _Corrections are attached; I went over the entire thing just to be sure. You did a good job! I’m proud of you._

_-Erin_

-/-

**_June_ **

-/-

_Erin Gilbert: On my way. : )_  
_Erin Gilbert: You’re going to do fantastically today._  
 _Erin Gilbert: Don’t forget your flash drive with your presentation on it._  
 _Erin Gilbert: I love you and I’ll see you at 3p <3_

.

.

.

“Erin, I swear to God if you keep jiggling that leg I’m going to throw you off this bus,” Abby said crossly an hour into their four hour journey to Boston.

“It’s just Holtzy, girl,” Patty said from behind them.  “You need to chill.”

“Yes, but I haven’t seen her in three months and she’s presenting her thesis!” Erin said, wringing her hands. “What if she forgets something or screws up or there’s a technological glitch?”

“Then there’s nothing you can do because it’s not your thesis and Holtzmann is a big kid who can handle her thesis herself.” Abby replied bluntly, patting Erin’s leg in an attempt to seem somewhat soothing. “She kinda has to, actually.”

“Ugh, I know,” Erin groaned before she returned to playing Candy Crush. There was no way she would get any reading or actual work done as hyped up as she was.

When the bus finally pulled into Boston it was Erin who got to show Abby and Patty around. They rode the T to MIT, where all three of them attempted to find the building that Holtzmann would be presenting in. Finally, through a combination of deciphering the official invitation email from Dr. Gorin and using Google Maps on Patty’s phone, they were able to find the building.

The engineer would be presenting in a small classroom in the Physics building. As they exited the elevator Erin could feel her pulse speeding up. She was anxious, had been since that morning, but she was also excited.

The three of them had not really planned on how exactly they were going to surprise Holtzmann with Patty and Abby’s presence, but it turned out they did not have to. Holtz left the classroom as they approached, saw them there, and froze. Then her face lit up.

“No fucking way!”

“Holtzy!” Patty screamed excitedly, and Holtzmann ran to greet them. Patty swept her up in a massive hug despite them having not seen each other in person in a little under a year. They had become fast friends through the power of the internet and as such, she was the first one to hug her.

Holtzmann hugged Abby next. “Holy shit I had no idea you were coming!”

“It was Erin’s idea to surprise you,” Abby said, squeezing Holtzmann tightly. “It’s good to see you, Holtzmann.”

Holtzmann might have responded, but she had eyes only for Erin. The physicist smiled shyly at her; the blonde was wearing the grey three-piece suit she had worn on their first date. Holtzmann took a cautious step towards her before Erin gave in and all but flung herself into the engineer’s arms. Their kiss caused Patty and Abby to hoot and holler, but at that moment, neither member of the entwined couple cared.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Holtz murmured against her lips when they finally parted.

“I’ve missed you, too,” Erin whispered back.

Holtzmann kissed her again.

.

.

.

They did not have much time for reunion; the engineer had a thesis to give. Brief introductions were made between the thesis committee, Gorin, Holtzmann’s labmates, and the three New York City interlopers before they were asked to take a seat so the presentation could commence.

Holtzmann, uncharacteristically nervous, glanced at Erin before she started. The physicist gave her a smile and a thumbs up. Holtz grinned back, drew out her usual charismatic swagger from whatever personal reservoir she kept it in, and clicked to the first slide of her presentation.

“Hello, my name is Jillian Holtzmann and I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you in this dingy, sad Physics classroom at three o’clock on a Thursday afternoon.” She paused, glanced at Erin for reassurance, then grinned and continued on. “Well, I’ve been working on something pretty cool for the last couple of years and I think, just maybe, it should be enough to get me the coveted suffix ‘Ph.D’ in my email signature. Shall we begin?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the epilogue to go now. If anybody has songs suggestions for my 'I Need You Like Water' playlist let me know, as I'll be posting a link to the playlist when I post the last chapter. :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gushing at the end.Here is the link to the playlist playlist I made for this fanfic. https://open.spotify.com/user/toastweasel/playlist/3tncnN8aWp57CaaKKO3Zzn
> 
> Enjoy. <3

**Epilogue**

“Okay. That’s the last box,” Holtzmann said, stretching her arms and back. It was the middle of August and she and Erin had just finished moving the newly minted Doctor of Nuclear Engineering moved into her new digs in New York City…alternately known amongst their friends as Erin’s Columbia Circle apartment.

Erin looked over from where she was unloading Holtzmann’s books into the shelves she had bought for her living room. “Are you going to take the truck to the place?”

“Ayup.” The engineer went over and pressed a kiss to her cheek.  “Be back in like…..two hours?”

“Okay. I should have these books done by then.”

Holtz flipped her a thumbs up before scooting out the door. Erin watched her go with a smile. Over the course of the last week and a half Holtzmann had lugged approximately two hundred dollars in chinchilla cage supplies, two IKEA bookshelves, and ten boxes of her own things up the five flights of stairs to Erin’s—no, _their,_ walk up apartment. She had done so cheerfully and after all of the lugging of supplies and furniture boxes had happily spent two days constructing, painting, and furnishing a brand new chinchilla cage (that was painted to match, as Holtzmann called it, Erin’s white, “hospital neat” aesthetic) before spending a record five hours arguing with IKEA furniture. She had gotten thought it by bo-bopping cheerfully up, down, around the apartment, listening to music with the wireless headphones Erin had given her after her thesis presentation.

If Erin had not already been endeared in a semi-permanent way to the blonde anyway, she become even more so endeared after watching her in their new domestic setting.

Holtz had returned to Boston after building the chinchilla cage to tie up loose ends and finish packing all of her stuff, which took most of three days. And then, that morning, Holtz had gotten up before the sun, bullied Chet and Kevin to help her load her things into a rental van, and then drove then rental van, with all of her thing and four semi-terrified chinchillas, the four hours south to New York City. Abby and Patty had arrived at Erin’s apartment to assist in the unloading of boxes as soon as Holtz had arrived. But now, with truck was empty it was up to Erin and Holtz to unpack the veritable sea of boxes now stacked in various places around the apartment.

…Or, since Holtzmann had gone to return the truck to the nearest U-Haul depot, it was now up to Erin to unpack the boxes. Or, at least, begin to.

When Holtzmann returned from her epic adventure to return the rental truck, she found her girlfriend sitting on the couch and staring with slightly glazed eyes at the newly populated bookshelves. The engineer hung her keys up, kicked out of her steel-toed boots, and promptly flopped onto the couch to take up residence in her girlfriend’s lap.

Erin looked down at her and smiled tiredly. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Holtzmann joined her in staring at the bookshelves. “You got the books in.”

“So I did.”

“Looks good.” After a long, comfortable stretch of silence she mumbled, “I hate moving...but I don’t hate that I’m here right now.”

Erin smiled and brushed her hand across the engineer’s deteriorating hairstyle—it had been a long day. “I know what you mean.”

Holtzmann sighed heavily and rolled out of Erin’s lap. “Is there still pizza leftover from lunch?”

“It’s in the fridge.”

The engineer trotted off purposefully and came back a moment later with a slice of cold pizza and a can of Red Bull. “Gotta fuel up. I want all this stuff unpacked tonight so I can get ready tomorrow to get back to work.”

“I thought you weren’t happy with the position at Columbia?”

Holtzmann shrugged; she started to talk with her mouth full but at the look Erin gave her she finished chewing. After she swallowed she said, “I’m not super keen on the theory aspect of this lab but they said I can do some applied stuff to make sure everything works right. It’s not the best but I appreciate the decent paycheck, especially after the university pitched the bitch fit about my history at the last minute.”

Erin grimaced. It had been quite a mess; there had been _many_ phone calls and several near panic attacks. 

Holtz rejoined her on the sofa. “Besides, it’s only temporary until you and Abby get that new grant and can squeeze me into your lab. Or, at least, that’s what I keep telling myself.”

“We should be ready to apply for a nuclear engineer to begin to test the theory by winter term. You’ll be at the top of our list.” Erin paused. “The University has been showing a lot of interest in our work. Who knows, you might get your own lab with grad students to boss around and everything.”

Holtzmann looked vaguely alarmed at that notion. “Lab yes, paycheck yes, grad students….maybe? I’m not sure I’m ready to be a Doctor Gorin quite yet. Talk like Yoda regularly, I do. Lab supervisor material, I am not.”

“I think you have hidden depths.”

“I think you’re slightly biased.”

“Maybe I am. But is that so bad?”

Holtzmann grinned. “Nah. I don’t think so.”

Erin smiled and leaned in to give her a kiss. The engineer responded happily, setting her drink of the coffee table. After a few moments they parted.

“Can you get all of your clothes into the closet, please?” Erin asked. “I want the boxes out of the bedroom before we go to sleep.”

“Yes, ma’am.” The engineer stood, saluted her with her Red Bull, then ambled into the next room to see about her wardrobe. Erin stood as well and went to the kitchen to get a slice of pizza. She found that either Patty or Abby had tacked a picture to her fridge with a magnet and she stopped to look at it; it was the picture Abby had asked a stranger to take after their white water rafting adventure the year before.

They four of them were standing in front of the bus that had pulled the rafts, smiling for the camera. Erin had stood next to Holtzmann for the photo; the blonde had slung her arm around the physicist’s shoulder. Neither had known that a year later, the two of them would be moved into an apartment together in Manhattan, so in love that Abby often (fondly) described their relationship as ‘disgustingly adorable.’

Erin found herself tearing up. She carefully put the photo back on the fridge, then padded into the bedroom where Holtzmann was hanging up her dress shirts in her half of their shared closet.

“Come to help out?” the blonde asked moments before Erin wrapped her arms around her and nuzzled into her hair. Holtzmann immediately dropped the shirt she had just put on a hanger and slid her arms around Erin’s waist. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” the physicist said softly without moving her head. Then, “I love you.”

Holtzmann’s tense posture loosened and she pressed a gentle kiss to Erin’s neck. “I love you, too.”

-/-

~Fin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had no idea when I wrote the very first chapter of this that it would turn into a 12 chapter monster. I fully intended it to be a oneshot, but then the little creatures that run my brain came up with this whole story and I just had to tell it. Thank you to each and every one of you for reading, and commenting, and giving me the strength of will to finish this thing. Thank you to my partner, wickedspeed, who served as my 2am sounding board and was a good sport about it all. And thank you to holtzbabe, my beta, whom I could not had done all this without. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, guys, and I hope you enjoyed reading this much as I enjoyed writing it. <3 Until next time!


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